GOOD LORD, HOW I HATE FAMILY CIRCUS

When was the last time you read FAMILY CIRCUS in the comic strips? I mean REALLY read it. Can you even remember the last time you laughed at any of them? It really is, quite possibly, the worst comic in the history of the funnies. That's saying a lot because there are so many horrible strips that still remain in the papers for some unknown and satanic reason. HAGGAR THE HORRIBLE? What the fuck? MARMADUKE!? Who is reading this shit? People like Bill Watterson and Gary Larson who brought us the great CALVIN AND HOBBES, and THE FAR SIDE retired while in their prime! Because they knew they weren't going to be able to keep up. That they had run out of jokes and had said what they needed to say and moved on. But for some reason we've got ZIGGY and HEATHCLIFF still staining our newspaper like a genital wart on a cock!
Bill Keane however, stands above them all. His strip is so bad, that the only reason I keep reading it is to work myself up into a tirade and shout to the rooftops on a daily basis, "WHY IS THIS STILL IN MY NEWSPAPER!?" It's a bit of sadomasochism I suppose. There is nothing preventing me from putting the paper down before I hit that circled window into hell. The only analogy for why I do it can be closely surmised by saying, it literally is like looking at a train wreck. You want to see the gore and the carnage caused by tons of twisted steel and people.
First off, all four kids in FAMILY CIRCUS are retarded. That's just a fact. They all have some sort of mental retardation that prevents them from completing functional thought.
Case in point;
While being served pizza by his mom, oldest son Billy exclaims, "Wow mom! This pizza is cool!"
To which his younger brother Jeffy says while pointing towards the kitchen, "No Billy, it's hot. I just saw mommy take it out of the microwave."
Is this the part where I'm supposed to laugh?
While Billy is all of seven years old and technically not quite ripe yet as far as maturity goes I'd like to thing that there are seven year olds out there who are cool enough to not ever tell anyone, especially their mom, how cool they think pizza and the consumption of pizza is. That they might instead reserve judgement and say things like, "Wow, those toys are cool." Or, "These shoes are cool." Or, "This bike is cool."
You know who would think pizza is cool? The Amish. I'm willing to bet that any one of them, the first time they saw or tasted pizza they would shout, "This pizza is the coolest thing since butter churning! And butter churning is pretty fucking cool!"
Billy and Jeffy are no little Harvard hopefuls that's for certain. And their baby brother PJ is well aboard the train to Stupidsville. But then there's their sister. Dolly. Dolly may be slightly handicapped but more so than that, she's a cunt. Plain and simple. She's a cunt to the umpteenth degree. Recently, whilst on a family camping trip we see the dad hoisting a sack of food up into the air and Dolly turns to PJ, who as a baby has no idea what she's saying or even who she is, and says "We have to put the food in the tree to keep it away from bears, raccoons, and Jeffy." Jeffy is within ear-shot of this and it is my belief that Dolly, as a cunt, said this loud enough for Jeffy to hear. That's her motivation for that comment. What else could it be? PJ hasn't a clue what she's saying, so why is talking to him like an equal? If she weren't mentally disabled, and capable of growing up to be a young lady who won't lick her palms during class for entertainment she would be one of those bitches in high school who belong to the bitch-clique. Her destiny does not lie with being popular or admired so she must take her natural instincts to be a vindictive bitch and tear her family apart piece by piece. Like a cunt.
I'm pretty sure Bill Keane is aware of the inane phrases those kids sprout out. He'd like to think they are funny but deep down he knows that they have no hope. Which is why the parents, Mommy and Daddy, constantly have a look of disappointment and exhaustion on their faces whenever one of their results of late night sex without proper protection and/or inaccurate pulling out technique, opens their mouth to spout out what must be white noise at this point. They are tired and ready to enact their murder suicide plot they've planned on if one more retarded comment falls out of their children's mouth. Things have gotten so bad, that I'm certain Daddy has castrated himself so as to prevent any future copolation. Seeing as how the four previous times they did so resulted in disaster.
What worries me most however is not how insepid the writing is or how flat on their face the jokes fail or even why this man is still being paid money to turn out this worthless product. What worries me, is the man in his RV. Waking up at the crack of down and getting his morning paper. Turning right to the funny pages (because let's face it he's not reading to see how the Dow Jones is doing) and racing his eyes right to FAMILY CIRCUS. Reading the mischeif those kids are getting themselves into, and then guffawing and hee-hawing like a mad man. Saying things, "Gosh dang them kids are funny. This Bill Keane is one funny sumbitch I tell you what man. I's aught'a send hims a case of PBR for bringing so much enjoyment inta ma' life. This one's going in the scrap book with the others!"
That man, scares the hell outta me.