Times are tough these days. It's getting to the point where most people can't even remember what it meant to have disposable income. Where money flowed like the sustenance of a land of milk and honey. Yup, care-freely we threw our money away on lavish items and trips and pleasures. So much so that it became the norm. Anyone who didn't do so was branded with the scarlet "$" upon their chest. Saving was considered a "blah" statement because the secret word for the day was "spend". AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Thinking as I do about movies I've seen while I spend my time at my job, two movies in particular seemed to be echoing back and forth in my skull. Like a record player stuck on a track. Michael Bay's opus, TRANSFORMERS and Chris Columbus' tour-De-force HOME ALONE 2. Admittedly these two films have nothing in common on the surface, but if we dig a bit deeper we will see the greed that momentary financial security brings.
First, we talk about TRANSFORMERS. With it's looming sequel about to destroy our collective consciousness with the blunt force of its awesomeness it's vital that we look back on how Sam Witwicky first acquired the Autobot, Bumblebee. Remember how his father gave him only a certain amount of cash to purchase a junker from Bernie Mac? And how Sam was complaining that it still wasn't enough money to afford a car that could whoo the likes of Megan Fox? The running gag was that his father was one cheap sunnuva bitch. Then we get a look at the palace that Sam's dad has provided for him, his mother, and their dog. It was Buckingham of suburbia. And not only that, decently decorated and furnished. Well maintained lawn that he groomed and cared for himself. Even the fucking dog had a two story dog house it could call home. Remember how expansive Sam's bedroom was? It was literally two rooms opened up. One side of the room was for sleeping and jerking off thinking of Megan Fox, like all of our are, and the other half was for slap-stick, giant robot inducing, comedy. It was the biggest room any kid I've ever seen ever have. What the fuck does the master bedroom look like?! I bet the master bedroom comes with serfs. Play with the time-line for a minute. Remember when Sam's got the as of yet undiscovered transformer in the back, and he gets in the car and turns on the motor. Remember the plume of smoke that comes out of the tailpipe. Can anyone tell me the line Mrs. Witwicky says to her husband as their son drives off in his junker?
"Good Lord, you're so cheap."
Why Mr. Witwicky didn't leap up from caring for his tender lawn and choke the life out of her, I'll never understand. My reply had I been Mr. Witwicky would have been,
"Cheap? Cheap? Cheap put this fucking castle over your head you ungreatful bitch. Cheap puts that glass of red wine in your hands every night while we watch cable television on a 50" plasma you whore. Cheap gives that fucking chiuahuah a fucking two story dog house. God forbid I teach my son a life lesson about the importance of starting small and working your way big. That you don't always get the $100,000 foreign car. That in this hectic world real men work for what they get and the fact that he met the bare minimum required to succeed doesn't warrant him a porche. I didn't hear you complaining about my being cheap when I had you bent over the side of our twelve jet jacuzzi tub last weekend. Speaking of which, put down that tall cold glass of refreshing iced tea, get off my prize winning, expertly maintained lawn, and get upstairs to our California king sized bed with 500 thread count sheets. I'm gonna tag ya' without a condom like the time we had that drunk 3 a.m. sex when we broke into the abandoned carnival. BECAUSE I'M CHEAP!"
People like her are the exact reason our country is in the shape it is today.
Then we move on to HOME ALONE 2. Not an overall well put together film. In fact it's quite awful. It borders on unwatchable. But one line in particular has been sticking in my head recently and I think I've figured out why such an inane, insipid response would be put into a movie that tried it's darnedest to be as clever as the first one.
Recall during the movie that little Kevin McAllister is all alone in New York City while his family is in Florida. His family that is easily 10-15 people strong. 13-14 of them are children. During the course of the movie Kevin saves the kindly old toy store owner's giant box of money he's going to donate to the orphanage on Christmas morning from Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. And that the kindly old man is so grateful for this act of courage that he gives Kevin's family enough toys and presents that they could in fact open their own toy store and live comfortably on the profits for the rest of their lives. We finally draw upon the end of the movie where Kevin looks out his penthouse window to the homeless bird lady he's befriended and gives her the impish smile that we as a nation united also fell in love with. When from the backgroud we hear his father shout at the top of his lungs,
"KEVIN! YOU SPENT $900.00 DOLLARS ON ROOM SERVICE!!!!!"
Kevin in fear of his father's rage and wrath flees for his life.
Let's do some math. Peter McAllister is going to take his brood of failure with him to Florida for a two week Christmas vacation.
14 days.
During that time they will consume on average at least four meals a day.
14 days x 4 meals = 56
Each meal will cost on average between $13.00 and $16.00. With tax, we'll round up to $20.00 a meal.
56 x 20.00 = $1120.00
Throw in midday snacking at all the predetermined attractions and we can add an additional $25.00 a day.
25 x 14 = 350
350 + 1120 = $1470.00
This is PER child.
$1470.00 x 1 gives us a grand total of . . . . .$1470.00 for a two week vacation.
Peter McCallister should have fell on his knees and thanked Kevin for saving him $570.00. This no nothing, brainless twat pitches a fit at his son for spending money to feed himself and live comfortably while in a dire situation when the rest of his mouth breathing family stand there with their hands out asking for almost $1500.00 just to feed them. Fucking unbelievable. This is clearly written into the script so that the audience can sit there and enjoy an "UH-OH!" moment, while I sit there and brood over the inaccuracies over the math.
This is what I think about when I should be working.
HAMblog.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
I Am Ready For LOST To Be Over. Really Ready.
What year is this? 2010 right? How long has LOST been on the air now? Six years. Six goddamn years. I've been plopping myself down in front of the television once a week for an hour for the past six years tormenting myself with my love/hate relationship with this show. You would have no idea the amount of torment and verbal rape I've had at the hands of my so called "friends" over the amount of time I've dedicated to what used to be enjoyment but is now something along the lines of a horrible stamina test. Like a fart leaving the room, I wanna clear the air. I intend to explain why after 5 and 8/10 seasons I am still suffering and teetering to the end. So I guess this article is for you; Drew and Mike.
The main reason I commit my time to this show until the end is that I really haven't been fed up with the show until the end of season 4. By that point it had already been released that the end of the show will be season 6. That only leaves 2 season left after having already spent 4 entire seasons watching this garbage. AND if you take into account that season 4 was only a fraction shorter than the other because of the goddamn writer's "we want internet money" strike it really was only 1 3/4 quarter seasons left until the end. By season 4 I already become so involved with all of the mythology that I was desperate for answers. And they kept teasing my desperation with the promise that "THE ANSWERS ARE COMING! Next week, on an all new LOST". What can I say? I'm a sucker for advertising. Which really sucks when you're trying to save up for a wedding! The better part of me knew that the audience for this show was dropping like flies, so the studio, in effort to keep those floundering still on board made promises that the creators of the show just werent going to keep. Promises of answers and explanations of what exactly was going on were never intended to be kept. There's only one night left and they still won't answer anything! But despite all this, as they say in poker "I'm pot committed". I either follow through to the end and suffer the slings and arrows from friends, family and strangers. Or give up now and have wasted the better part of six years. I don't let movies try to beat me, how can I say the same about a television show?
The next reason, is that despite the constant wheel spinning and maintenance of the status quo the producers seem to have of "We know everything and you saps know nothing" attitude they've taken, and despite the fact that most of the shows follow the same formula of our characters formulating a plan but never following through with it, occasionally, OCASSIONALLY a really smart and funny episode emerges from the dregs. Is it enough to let one or two gems per season carry you over until the next? Probably not. But when you see a well written story finally start to blossom, I like to think that all of us would take the time to let it grow.
I wanna see the writers of this show dig themselves out of a hole they created. It'll be interesting to see if this series fans will stick by it like the fans of BATTLESTAR: GALACTICA or if they will rise up as one against their show ala THE SOPRANOS.
One thing you gotta give to these guys is that at least they're ending the series. They knew long in advance when the show was going to end and they've been building towards that ending for quite some time now. Win or fail I'll be watching. And for the best of times and worst of times I'll be happy to see it go.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
You Are Not A Special Snowflake.
"Just because your mom and I think you're special, doesn't mean the rest of the world does. You're going to have to earn that." -ANDREW THOMPSON-
Everyone in this country has embraced the "everyone is special" mentality. Frankly, it's driving me nuts. You see it in the way children are being raised, you see it in the way people treat their fellow man, and now you see it in our Oscar Nominations. (For the record, when it was announced in 2009 that the nominations for Best Picture would be raised from 5 to 10, I was agin it.) Let's examine.
The Best Picture Nominees for 2009 are:
AVATAR
THE BLIND SIDE
DISTRICT 9
AN EDUCATION
THE HURT LOCKER
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
PRECIOUS
A SERIOUS MAN
UP
UP IN THE AIR
Extatic that I am that District 9 was nominated, I'm realistic enough to realize that it is not going to win. The honor of being nominated is destroyed when you allow everyone to play on the team. UP. Are you freaking kidding me?! UP!!!!! Why even have a Best Animated Picture category then? Isn't this the reason why that category was created in the first place? Because animated movies weren't getting their fake shake? And now UP shares the distinction of being the first movie ever to be nominated for Best Picture AND Best Animated Picture. WTF here? Seriously? If an animated movie can be nominated for Best Picture, get rid of the Best Animated Picture category. You have successfully defeated it's purpose. All you're doing is allowing this movie to double dip and have taken away a spot for a movie that might actually have a chance.
Don't misunderstand what I'm saying here. I love both of these films. But if you're going to parade around with the opinion that so many more movies deserve the chance to be nominated, then don't even have nominations. Why bother with all this hoop-la? On Oscar night, just have Penelope Cruz and Martin Scorsese read the name of every movie that came out in 2009. Including GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST and HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE. That's the only way this sort of thinking can be justified. If it's so hard for the Academy to pick only five films that the only solution is to include everybody, then include everybody. How glorious would it be to hear, "These are the nominations. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Dance Flick. Invictus. Ninja Assassin. A Serious Man. New Moon."
Pain me as it might to say it Grandpa Simpson had it right. When a young Homer doing his impression of JFK to his mom convinced her that Homer could one day be President, what did Abe say?
"Son, this is the greatest country world. Built to keep lunk-heads like from ever becoming President. Quit your daydreaming melon-head."
Now there was a man who knew what was what. The fact is, no. Not just anyone can grow up to become President. That honor has to be worked, earned, and fought for. More or less. The same attitude I have towards movies applies towards kids. Namely, everyone else's kids.
How hard is this discussion to have? "We are going into a show. During the show you are not to jump, to run, to talk, or to sing. The people sitting around us did not pay $92.00 to listen to you. If you get tired or bored just close your eyes and take a nap." Does it help that the show in question is produced by Disney? Probably not. Because for some reason, when people see that Disney name on a product or event some part of their unevolved brain shuts down and a signal that translates into, "This is Disney, I can let my children run around like a pack of heathens straight out of William Golding novel." I saw Mary Poppins at the Ahmanson Theatre in L.A. And while the show (at least I thought so) was very entertaining the children treating my row like their own personal Gymboree were not. Look people, I get if you want to expose your own little treasure trove of wonder to the delight of the theatre. But just because it says Disney on the front doesn't mean your kid is going to like it. In fact, I'd say 95% of the children I saw at this theatre were sour faced, bored, and just plain miserable to be there. Do any of these children even like the movie on whic this is based? Unless the front of the Mary Poppins DVD box said "Starring Miley Cyrus" I'd wager that they couldn't have cared less.
And like I said, just because your tiny wonder knows the lyrics to every Mary Poppins song, doesn't mean I want to listen to her magical voice belt it out. My ticket means I have expressed an interest in hearing the professionals on stage sing this song. Seated next to me was what her mom would call an adorable pixie. To me, she was a soul eating demon from the 7th circle of Hell. Who took great delight in treating her seat like a trampoline, and kicking me, through out the entire first act. So bad was this pinate like treatment that ten minutes into the second act I leaned over and told this ragamuffin, "That if you don't stop kicking me there's going to be a problem." And the kicking, and the flailing stopped. No longer was she jumping like a crazed sugar junkie around a room padded with bouncy jump material. All it took was a stern voice, and someone older than her to politely tell her to knock it off. In five seconds, I had become a better parent to this child than her own mother. Who was busy texting on her Blackberry through the whole show, four seats over. *Forhead Smack*.
What bothered me the most I suppose is that during the show this kid took obscene pleasure in pointing out the wires that hoisted the actors up above and around the stage. Creating the illusion of flight, and gravity defying dancing. I thought it was astounding. But no sooner would the wires fall from the ceiling to be hitched to the actors the tot beside me would shout, "I see the wires. Look there's the wires." Kid, if you're going to go through life pointing out the wires you're going to grow up angry and die alone in a seedy roadside motel clutching a bottle of whiskey and a half eaten pizza lying on the floor.
Everyone in this country has embraced the "everyone is special" mentality. Frankly, it's driving me nuts. You see it in the way children are being raised, you see it in the way people treat their fellow man, and now you see it in our Oscar Nominations. (For the record, when it was announced in 2009 that the nominations for Best Picture would be raised from 5 to 10, I was agin it.) Let's examine.
The Best Picture Nominees for 2009 are:
AVATAR
THE BLIND SIDE
DISTRICT 9
AN EDUCATION
THE HURT LOCKER
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
PRECIOUS
A SERIOUS MAN
UP
UP IN THE AIR
Extatic that I am that District 9 was nominated, I'm realistic enough to realize that it is not going to win. The honor of being nominated is destroyed when you allow everyone to play on the team. UP. Are you freaking kidding me?! UP!!!!! Why even have a Best Animated Picture category then? Isn't this the reason why that category was created in the first place? Because animated movies weren't getting their fake shake? And now UP shares the distinction of being the first movie ever to be nominated for Best Picture AND Best Animated Picture. WTF here? Seriously? If an animated movie can be nominated for Best Picture, get rid of the Best Animated Picture category. You have successfully defeated it's purpose. All you're doing is allowing this movie to double dip and have taken away a spot for a movie that might actually have a chance.
Don't misunderstand what I'm saying here. I love both of these films. But if you're going to parade around with the opinion that so many more movies deserve the chance to be nominated, then don't even have nominations. Why bother with all this hoop-la? On Oscar night, just have Penelope Cruz and Martin Scorsese read the name of every movie that came out in 2009. Including GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST and HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE. That's the only way this sort of thinking can be justified. If it's so hard for the Academy to pick only five films that the only solution is to include everybody, then include everybody. How glorious would it be to hear, "These are the nominations. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Dance Flick. Invictus. Ninja Assassin. A Serious Man. New Moon."
Pain me as it might to say it Grandpa Simpson had it right. When a young Homer doing his impression of JFK to his mom convinced her that Homer could one day be President, what did Abe say?
"Son, this is the greatest country world. Built to keep lunk-heads like from ever becoming President. Quit your daydreaming melon-head."
Now there was a man who knew what was what. The fact is, no. Not just anyone can grow up to become President. That honor has to be worked, earned, and fought for. More or less. The same attitude I have towards movies applies towards kids. Namely, everyone else's kids.
How hard is this discussion to have? "We are going into a show. During the show you are not to jump, to run, to talk, or to sing. The people sitting around us did not pay $92.00 to listen to you. If you get tired or bored just close your eyes and take a nap." Does it help that the show in question is produced by Disney? Probably not. Because for some reason, when people see that Disney name on a product or event some part of their unevolved brain shuts down and a signal that translates into, "This is Disney, I can let my children run around like a pack of heathens straight out of William Golding novel." I saw Mary Poppins at the Ahmanson Theatre in L.A. And while the show (at least I thought so) was very entertaining the children treating my row like their own personal Gymboree were not. Look people, I get if you want to expose your own little treasure trove of wonder to the delight of the theatre. But just because it says Disney on the front doesn't mean your kid is going to like it. In fact, I'd say 95% of the children I saw at this theatre were sour faced, bored, and just plain miserable to be there. Do any of these children even like the movie on whic this is based? Unless the front of the Mary Poppins DVD box said "Starring Miley Cyrus" I'd wager that they couldn't have cared less.
And like I said, just because your tiny wonder knows the lyrics to every Mary Poppins song, doesn't mean I want to listen to her magical voice belt it out. My ticket means I have expressed an interest in hearing the professionals on stage sing this song. Seated next to me was what her mom would call an adorable pixie. To me, she was a soul eating demon from the 7th circle of Hell. Who took great delight in treating her seat like a trampoline, and kicking me, through out the entire first act. So bad was this pinate like treatment that ten minutes into the second act I leaned over and told this ragamuffin, "That if you don't stop kicking me there's going to be a problem." And the kicking, and the flailing stopped. No longer was she jumping like a crazed sugar junkie around a room padded with bouncy jump material. All it took was a stern voice, and someone older than her to politely tell her to knock it off. In five seconds, I had become a better parent to this child than her own mother. Who was busy texting on her Blackberry through the whole show, four seats over. *Forhead Smack*.
What bothered me the most I suppose is that during the show this kid took obscene pleasure in pointing out the wires that hoisted the actors up above and around the stage. Creating the illusion of flight, and gravity defying dancing. I thought it was astounding. But no sooner would the wires fall from the ceiling to be hitched to the actors the tot beside me would shout, "I see the wires. Look there's the wires." Kid, if you're going to go through life pointing out the wires you're going to grow up angry and die alone in a seedy roadside motel clutching a bottle of whiskey and a half eaten pizza lying on the floor.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Commercialized heroin.
I have found the company that has finally discovered how to make sweet, sweet heroin legally and market it without fear of prison. The companies name is Frito-Lay, and their product is doritos. Namely, the cheeseburger flavored Doritos. The addicting substance that has made me a helpless, pathetic chip inhaling junkie.
It all started in 2007 during a fateful trip to San Diego. Wandering through the grocery store my family and I had stopped in for a few six packs of soda, I came upon a display for Doritos. But they were mysterious Doritos. In a solid black bag with the word "X-13D" stamped across the middle. Underneath, were the words "All American Classic". I had heard on the radio that these chips were out there I just never believed them until that day. Before even cracking it open I knew that these were the mysteriously cheeseburger flavored chips I had been praying for.
I quickly bought a bag. Whisked it back to my hotel room and partook in a life changing event. I ate one. It was Halloween, Christmas, and handjobs wrapped into a chip. All my dreams came true in one flavorful ejaculation of tomato past, beef tallow, and wheat dust. I had found nirvana.
And when we finally got home from our vacation, the bags were never seen from again. They had up and disappeared, and I slipped into a pit of despair not ever recorded in history.
"They tasted like a burger!" I would proclaim from the town square. My bell ringing loudly above my tri-cornered hat. "Doritos X-13D! My kingdom for a bag of Doritos X-13D."
No one knew what I was talking about. I scoured the internet. Because when all else fails, the internet is the last bastion of sanity. Indeed they were released, but there was no mention of why, or wherefor. "Well," I thought to myself. "Surely I can purchase these mythical chips FROM the internet somewhere." No you can't. Except for a vew blurbs here and there, no one ever heard of these snack legends ever again.
Until January 18, 2010. Wandering aimlessly around the grocery store after having had my teeth cleaned I looked for some dinner and lunch stuffs. When out of the corner of my eye I saw a bag of Doritos. That looked suspiciously like their Taco Flavored chips. A mockery-abortion of the magic of the X-13D. But on this bag there was no mention of the word taco. There was the word. . . .CHEESEBURGER! In an instant, five bags were in my arm. Because this was all the display carried. I purchased them all, and took them home. One bag cracked, the other four sitting vigilantly, ready to sacrafice themselves for me when their time comes. But this was not enough. What if Frito-Lay decides to cancel the line this weekend? "I better get one more bag just to be safe. Besides, they're not all for me. I have plenty of people to prove to, that I'm not crazy."
I bought another bag, and I probably inteed to buy at least one more. I now revel in my horde of cheeseburger flavored Doritos. My personal wealth can longer be measured in dollar amounts. Now I deposit bags of false cheeseburgery into my savings account. I protect my investment in a safe-deposit box. Because you never know. The day may come when these bags fall victim to time again and that is left of them is but dust. Then it will be I who is laughing, from atop his ivory, cheeseburger flavored tower!
PS. I realize that in order to get the taste of a cheeseburger all I simply must do is go purchase a cheeseburger, so don't bother pointing out the irony.
Monday, January 18, 2010
I JUST WANNA' GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS MY NAME.
All my life I have looked for my own personaL CHEERS. Someplace where I could walk in and have everyone turn their heads and shout in merrimental tones, "Hillal!" Because wherever it is that I decide to call my own I want to be that place's designated Norm. As of 2010, I have narrowed my options down to one of two locals. And I don't like either of them. Feh.
Choice number 1: The 7-11 on Osborn in Pacoima. I only frequent this watering hole, typically only two times a week. Usually on weekends, after I've dropped off my beloved at her house and then make the trek back to mine. When I near this establishment the sudden, violently strong urge to have a slurpee overcomes me. So I stop on Friday, and Saturday, usually at about midnight or so to indulge myself. This past Friday night, my beloved and I were heading to my friend Andrew's house for our monthly Bad Movie Night get together with our friends. Andrew's house has what I would call a smattering of animals, all of which my sweetie is allergic to. So when we left her house she had an allergy pill on hand, but nothing to take it with. So, I stopped at 7-11. At 7:00pm. Behind the register was a familiar face, but I doubted he thought the same about me. Until I heard,
"My friend, you are early tonight!"
"Yeah I am I guess." I responded. That's when he looked at my purchase, which I'm sure threw him completely off gaurd and wondering whether or not he had fallen through the rabbit hole. Because I did indeed have a slurpee in hand. (The cherry mixture wasn't ready yet so I had to settle for blue) and a gatorade for which my love could take her antihistamine.
Nervous and the ludicrousness of what was unfolding before him he quickly looked up at the window towards my truck. There he saw a lovely lady sitting in my truck, when he looked back, his face was panic.
I am by no stretch of the imagination what one would call a "looker". When I'm out with my amazingly beautiful girlfriend, it deffinitely is a Fred/Wilmma or a Homer/Marge scenario. So when my "friend" behind the 7-11 counter turned back, the situation that was probably playing out in his mind was;
"This guy who has clearly kidnapped that poor woman. He's probably spent the better part of 24 hours torturing her with his presence and is now making a gesture of sorts in order to seal the stockholm syndrome he's attempting to put her in by replacing the electrolytes he's robbed her of by providing her a container of cool, refreshing, fruit punch gatorade. The only question now is how quickly can I dial 911 before he murders me and everyone in this store."
But instead of being the hero, he took the coward's way and did nothing. Evil wins again.
Choice number 2: McDonalds on Osborn in Pacoima.
Not necessarily as cool as being known at 7-11. Mostly because the latter is known for serving slurpees, beer, lottery tickets and liquor. The former is mostly well known for catering to children and making people fat. But where McD's might outshine 7-11 is that that they genuinly know my name. Sort of. You see, it's the sort of McDonald's where you have to give your name which they will then shout out at the top of their lungs when your order is up. Now I generally don't visit McDonald's too frequently but sometimes you want some McNuggets to nibble on, or something quick to appease hungry tummies after school. Throw in the fact that I have a hard to pronounce name. Hillal. Doesn't exactly roll off the tounge. It's more what a person says as their choking up a ham sandwich. So instead of giving
them this abortion of a first name, I opt to give them the much easier to pronouce and much phonetically friendly, "Al." Which I think they take delight in shouting. Honestly, how many Al's do you know?
Well in I walk to grab a soda (because I genuinely hate drive-thrus) and as I set foot on their gold brown tiled floor I hear from behind the counter, "Hey! It's Al!" I've decided that if I were to ever apply for THE BIGGEST LOSER" I would have my girlfriend follow me with a video camera into the McDonald's to record the chorus of employees saying my name, and greeting me like I just stepped into Wal-Mart. Then I would turn to the camera and say, "See how much help I need? They know me on a first name basis here at McDonald's. If my name were Al."
Choice number 1: The 7-11 on Osborn in Pacoima. I only frequent this watering hole, typically only two times a week. Usually on weekends, after I've dropped off my beloved at her house and then make the trek back to mine. When I near this establishment the sudden, violently strong urge to have a slurpee overcomes me. So I stop on Friday, and Saturday, usually at about midnight or so to indulge myself. This past Friday night, my beloved and I were heading to my friend Andrew's house for our monthly Bad Movie Night get together with our friends. Andrew's house has what I would call a smattering of animals, all of which my sweetie is allergic to. So when we left her house she had an allergy pill on hand, but nothing to take it with. So, I stopped at 7-11. At 7:00pm. Behind the register was a familiar face, but I doubted he thought the same about me. Until I heard,
"My friend, you are early tonight!"
"Yeah I am I guess." I responded. That's when he looked at my purchase, which I'm sure threw him completely off gaurd and wondering whether or not he had fallen through the rabbit hole. Because I did indeed have a slurpee in hand. (The cherry mixture wasn't ready yet so I had to settle for blue) and a gatorade for which my love could take her antihistamine.
Nervous and the ludicrousness of what was unfolding before him he quickly looked up at the window towards my truck. There he saw a lovely lady sitting in my truck, when he looked back, his face was panic.
I am by no stretch of the imagination what one would call a "looker". When I'm out with my amazingly beautiful girlfriend, it deffinitely is a Fred/Wilmma or a Homer/Marge scenario. So when my "friend" behind the 7-11 counter turned back, the situation that was probably playing out in his mind was;
"This guy who has clearly kidnapped that poor woman. He's probably spent the better part of 24 hours torturing her with his presence and is now making a gesture of sorts in order to seal the stockholm syndrome he's attempting to put her in by replacing the electrolytes he's robbed her of by providing her a container of cool, refreshing, fruit punch gatorade. The only question now is how quickly can I dial 911 before he murders me and everyone in this store."
But instead of being the hero, he took the coward's way and did nothing. Evil wins again.
Choice number 2: McDonalds on Osborn in Pacoima.
Not necessarily as cool as being known at 7-11. Mostly because the latter is known for serving slurpees, beer, lottery tickets and liquor. The former is mostly well known for catering to children and making people fat. But where McD's might outshine 7-11 is that that they genuinly know my name. Sort of. You see, it's the sort of McDonald's where you have to give your name which they will then shout out at the top of their lungs when your order is up. Now I generally don't visit McDonald's too frequently but sometimes you want some McNuggets to nibble on, or something quick to appease hungry tummies after school. Throw in the fact that I have a hard to pronounce name. Hillal. Doesn't exactly roll off the tounge. It's more what a person says as their choking up a ham sandwich. So instead of giving
them this abortion of a first name, I opt to give them the much easier to pronouce and much phonetically friendly, "Al." Which I think they take delight in shouting. Honestly, how many Al's do you know?
Well in I walk to grab a soda (because I genuinely hate drive-thrus) and as I set foot on their gold brown tiled floor I hear from behind the counter, "Hey! It's Al!" I've decided that if I were to ever apply for THE BIGGEST LOSER" I would have my girlfriend follow me with a video camera into the McDonald's to record the chorus of employees saying my name, and greeting me like I just stepped into Wal-Mart. Then I would turn to the camera and say, "See how much help I need? They know me on a first name basis here at McDonald's. If my name were Al."
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
The Hardest Worst Movie I've Ever Seen.
Have you ever seen a movie that was so intense that it's left images ingrained in your mind for the better part of a week/month/year/century? Movies like, SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, THE GREEN MILE, or even OF MICE AND MEN. Just something that either disturbes you or moves you to the point where all you can think about is that one particular scene in that one particular movie? And it then seems as if all your life you've been living in a world that is ultimately scarier than you once thought?
Well what happens if that movie ingrains such thoughts in your head, but at the same time is so fucking terrible and almost unwatchable to the point of naueseation?
I just saw for the time ever the French film IRREVERSIBLE starring Monica Bellucci. This movie is quite literally a guided tour through the absolute worst this planet has to offer. It starts with two men, one naked, one half-assed cross dressed, sitting on a bed three sizes to small talking about how all the nude man can think about is how he had sex with daughter. We then cut to a night club where a man in being wheeled out on a stretcher to an amublance and all sorts of horrible gay remarks are being thrown out at him. Remarks such as, "They don't have rubbers in prison fag, you're going to get the AIDS." Brilliant dialouge as you can see. Another person is being wheeled out in a bag. Dead as a fucking doornail. We then cut into the night club and see a man named Marcus (Vincent Cassel) entering a gay club, frantically looking for a man named La Tenia. It's at this point that I realize that we will be watching this movie backwards. Not quite in the same style as MOMENTO, but more of a scene-by-scene reversibility.
Marcus desperatley searches from room to room looking for this man called La Tenia (Tapeworm). Why? We don't know yet. But his caged animalistic behavior can only lead me to summize that he's out for revenge. His friend Pierre (Albert Dupontel) tries in vain to calm him down, but Marcus has clearly made up his mind. The name of the nightclub is called The Rectum, and boy does it live up to it's name. It literally is the seperating asshole of society. It's a shit-hole unlike any I've ever seen or known. It also does nothing but fuel the fire of my intense burning hate for nightclubs. The most debaucherous of acts are commited in front of Marcus as he looks for his prey. Marcus finally finds someone who may where La Tenia is, and of course it has to be the guy on a swing with his ass pointed to the heavens, and his fingers knuckle-depth in his dirt button. He will tell Marcus where La Tenia is, but only if Marcus will fist him first.
Vengence has to be on Marcus' mind. Nothing else but that would have kept me from running screaming out of that club. Nothing but the thought of righteous street justice would allow me to even enter this nightmare.
Marcus does fist the gentleman. But more in the sense that he fists him in the face, and face with a couple of quick jabs. And a bottle across the head doesn't hurt either. Marcus is finally lead to La Tenia and immediately picks a fight. Which he quickly loses in one arm snapping debate. It looks as though in his haste to find La Tenia he didn't take into account that he might not be the better fighter. Just as La Tenia is about to rape Marcus, Pierre shows up. And smashes the living fuck out of La Tenia with the blunt end of the biggest fire extinguisher I've ever seen. But Pierre doesn't stop there. What happens over the course of the next three minutes is the most brutal of face beatings I think I've ever seen captured on film. For what seems like eons the camera, unflinchingly, captures the savagest brutality of a man having the life crushed from him. His face quickly goes from shocked, to beaten, to ugly, to unregonizable, to husk of meat. The sound work combined with the refusal of the camera to cut away makes for one very fucking disturbing scene. All the while this is happening, a group of men have formed a circle around the goings on to watch. One decides to masturbate to it.
God I really hate nightclubs.
The scenes previous deal with Marcus and Pierre trying to find where on earth La Tenia could be. They ask everyone from a poor terrorized taxi driver, to a transvestite prostitute named Guillermo, and even accept assistance from the mob. Through these conversations we find out that La Tenia has raped Alex. Marcus is so furious at this, and so blood thirsty, that all he can think about is finding La Tenia, and the nightclub where he may be at right now.
The next scene previous shows us that we're at a party, and Alex is Monica Bellucci. Bellucci is wearing a dress that leaves, I was going to say very little but fuck it, it leaves nothing to the imagination. She honestly should have just opted to go to the party nude. For some reason she decides right at that moment that an errand must be run. And since she cannot get a taxi she opts to take the subway. While in the subway we see that Guillermo is being roughed up by a pimp. One look at the pimp's face takes you zooming back to the nightclub. Where this man was standing next to the man Marcus identified as La Tenia. If you're any sort of smart you quickly surmise that this man is the actual La Tenia and that Marcus had killed someone "allegedly" innocent. La Tenia now having seen Belluci turns his attention to her, letting Guillermo go. What follows is a scene far more brutal than the death earlier in the movie. La Tenia, in a nine minute, one shot scene, anally rapes Alex. And after nine minutes of the most horrible thing I've ever seen or will ever see in a movie he beats the living hell out of her to the point where she ends up in a coma.
The rest of the movie shows us the life that Marcus and Alex have before their world is shattered into a million pieces. They are happily in love, she just discovered she is pregnant, and the world is a glow. It's almost just as disturbing as the actual rape, to sit an think for the next hour and a half that this happy couple will have everything taken away from them.
As far as the actual brutalness of the film goes, it terrifying. For the hour and a half sitting there knowing this couple will have their happiness obliterated, it's torture. But that's as far as the compliments I have go. This could have been an amazing bit of film-making. The story I'm sad to say is cliche. The dialouge is laughable at best. And I'm not sure why they decided to go this way, but the camera work looks like it was done by strapping a camera to a chimp and letting him roam the city. The only time it comes into complete focus is when something terrible is about to happen. Otherwise, it spins around with no certain destination in mind, or desire to leave the audience orientated. If nothing else, by puting the most brutal scenes up front instead of ending with them, that was a stroke of ingenuity. Otherwise, this really is a mess of a film. But the images it conjures will have you thinking about long after it has ended. The world this movie inhabits is what I thnk hell must be like.
All I'm certain of, is after having watched this and TAKEN I'm never setting foot in France. Fuck France.
Well what happens if that movie ingrains such thoughts in your head, but at the same time is so fucking terrible and almost unwatchable to the point of naueseation?
I just saw for the time ever the French film IRREVERSIBLE starring Monica Bellucci. This movie is quite literally a guided tour through the absolute worst this planet has to offer. It starts with two men, one naked, one half-assed cross dressed, sitting on a bed three sizes to small talking about how all the nude man can think about is how he had sex with daughter. We then cut to a night club where a man in being wheeled out on a stretcher to an amublance and all sorts of horrible gay remarks are being thrown out at him. Remarks such as, "They don't have rubbers in prison fag, you're going to get the AIDS." Brilliant dialouge as you can see. Another person is being wheeled out in a bag. Dead as a fucking doornail. We then cut into the night club and see a man named Marcus (Vincent Cassel) entering a gay club, frantically looking for a man named La Tenia. It's at this point that I realize that we will be watching this movie backwards. Not quite in the same style as MOMENTO, but more of a scene-by-scene reversibility.
Marcus desperatley searches from room to room looking for this man called La Tenia (Tapeworm). Why? We don't know yet. But his caged animalistic behavior can only lead me to summize that he's out for revenge. His friend Pierre (Albert Dupontel) tries in vain to calm him down, but Marcus has clearly made up his mind. The name of the nightclub is called The Rectum, and boy does it live up to it's name. It literally is the seperating asshole of society. It's a shit-hole unlike any I've ever seen or known. It also does nothing but fuel the fire of my intense burning hate for nightclubs. The most debaucherous of acts are commited in front of Marcus as he looks for his prey. Marcus finally finds someone who may where La Tenia is, and of course it has to be the guy on a swing with his ass pointed to the heavens, and his fingers knuckle-depth in his dirt button. He will tell Marcus where La Tenia is, but only if Marcus will fist him first.
Vengence has to be on Marcus' mind. Nothing else but that would have kept me from running screaming out of that club. Nothing but the thought of righteous street justice would allow me to even enter this nightmare.
Marcus does fist the gentleman. But more in the sense that he fists him in the face, and face with a couple of quick jabs. And a bottle across the head doesn't hurt either. Marcus is finally lead to La Tenia and immediately picks a fight. Which he quickly loses in one arm snapping debate. It looks as though in his haste to find La Tenia he didn't take into account that he might not be the better fighter. Just as La Tenia is about to rape Marcus, Pierre shows up. And smashes the living fuck out of La Tenia with the blunt end of the biggest fire extinguisher I've ever seen. But Pierre doesn't stop there. What happens over the course of the next three minutes is the most brutal of face beatings I think I've ever seen captured on film. For what seems like eons the camera, unflinchingly, captures the savagest brutality of a man having the life crushed from him. His face quickly goes from shocked, to beaten, to ugly, to unregonizable, to husk of meat. The sound work combined with the refusal of the camera to cut away makes for one very fucking disturbing scene. All the while this is happening, a group of men have formed a circle around the goings on to watch. One decides to masturbate to it.
God I really hate nightclubs.
The scenes previous deal with Marcus and Pierre trying to find where on earth La Tenia could be. They ask everyone from a poor terrorized taxi driver, to a transvestite prostitute named Guillermo, and even accept assistance from the mob. Through these conversations we find out that La Tenia has raped Alex. Marcus is so furious at this, and so blood thirsty, that all he can think about is finding La Tenia, and the nightclub where he may be at right now.
The next scene previous shows us that we're at a party, and Alex is Monica Bellucci. Bellucci is wearing a dress that leaves, I was going to say very little but fuck it, it leaves nothing to the imagination. She honestly should have just opted to go to the party nude. For some reason she decides right at that moment that an errand must be run. And since she cannot get a taxi she opts to take the subway. While in the subway we see that Guillermo is being roughed up by a pimp. One look at the pimp's face takes you zooming back to the nightclub. Where this man was standing next to the man Marcus identified as La Tenia. If you're any sort of smart you quickly surmise that this man is the actual La Tenia and that Marcus had killed someone "allegedly" innocent. La Tenia now having seen Belluci turns his attention to her, letting Guillermo go. What follows is a scene far more brutal than the death earlier in the movie. La Tenia, in a nine minute, one shot scene, anally rapes Alex. And after nine minutes of the most horrible thing I've ever seen or will ever see in a movie he beats the living hell out of her to the point where she ends up in a coma.
The rest of the movie shows us the life that Marcus and Alex have before their world is shattered into a million pieces. They are happily in love, she just discovered she is pregnant, and the world is a glow. It's almost just as disturbing as the actual rape, to sit an think for the next hour and a half that this happy couple will have everything taken away from them.
As far as the actual brutalness of the film goes, it terrifying. For the hour and a half sitting there knowing this couple will have their happiness obliterated, it's torture. But that's as far as the compliments I have go. This could have been an amazing bit of film-making. The story I'm sad to say is cliche. The dialouge is laughable at best. And I'm not sure why they decided to go this way, but the camera work looks like it was done by strapping a camera to a chimp and letting him roam the city. The only time it comes into complete focus is when something terrible is about to happen. Otherwise, it spins around with no certain destination in mind, or desire to leave the audience orientated. If nothing else, by puting the most brutal scenes up front instead of ending with them, that was a stroke of ingenuity. Otherwise, this really is a mess of a film. But the images it conjures will have you thinking about long after it has ended. The world this movie inhabits is what I thnk hell must be like.
All I'm certain of, is after having watched this and TAKEN I'm never setting foot in France. Fuck France.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
BEST AND WORST 5 OF THE SUMMER
TRUTHBRINGER'S LIST
Ahh summer, how you entertain and devestate me so. You really showed me a good time my chummier season and yet thusly left me traveling the walk of shame down many a movie theater aisles. My head hung low in shame. I celebrate you now oh nickelodeon gods, because there are so few awards granted to the artists who bring movies together I will now list for you selections.
THE TOP 5 BEST!!
#5: X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE
Say what you will about the lack of character authenticity, or even actual history or abilities. It's all askew and honestly I couldn't give less of a shit. This movie kicked my ass with it's awsomeness. Sure there were parts where Logan's claws looked like they were straight outta toon town, but who cares. It has Wolverine in it! And he's killing people. Like he outta been doing way back in 99'. Throw in Lieve Schreiber as Sabertooth, and Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool and you have one orgasmic Truthbringer to deal with and clean up after.
#4: THE HANGOVER
Over 200,000,000. That's how much money this movie has made. Over 200,000,000. Proving once and for all that clever writing, a stellar cast, and intruig is far more compelling than flash and CGI. This movie gave us many catch phrases to throw around the entire summer, and provided me with the most surprising laughs I've had all year. Never saw this movie coming. It was like a Mike Tyson sucker punch. Which I doubt I'd be able to take as well as Allen.
#3: THE HURT LOCKER
This is the movie they should show to high school kids after those army recruiment people have packed up their pamphlets and left the auditorium. Between the soul draining heat, and the possibility of being held down by a sniper with .50 cal pointed at your spine, this gives them the REAL look into what might be waiting for them. Not a mountain with a sword in the crystal at the top. Brillianty directed and unflinching in the face of danger, I've never said "Holy shit that's a bad idea" so many times during a movie before. And then sat squirming as the characters went through with said bad idea anyway. Brilliant.
#2: INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
I really dug the hell outta this movie. And I was fucking worried there for a minute too. Because visions of that horrible, menstrating mess called DEATHPROOF was still fresh in my mind when I picked up my tickets to this. It wasn't the action flick I was expecting ~ala~ KILL BILL. But more of a personal story given archs through several different people ~ala~ PULP FICTION. Brad Pitt is amazing, and Christoph Waltz is magnetic. See this movie if you haven't yet.
#1: DISTRICT 9
I didn't even know this movie was coming out this summer until about late June. I knew it was going to be something of a spectacle to see, but holy shit was I wrong about great it was going to be. It had me bolted to me seat with what was going on. Awed at the scope of the story, fearful for what would happen to our protaganist and the aliens he's suddenly found himself thrust into the company of. Angry at the greed of the world around him, from the crippled South African Crime lord, to the shadiness of the corporate entity he had worked for. This is what we as a world would do if this were to ever happen. And that is why we should fear the wrath of other planets destroying our home world before worrying about some arbitrary number the Aztecs may or may not have written down. *TANGENT* Why are we worrying about the Aztec calander? Weren't these the people who chopped out hearts in the name of the sun? *END TANGENT* District 9 is fucking amazing. The drama, the story and the action is absolutely incredible and I cannot wait to own this and watch it until my eyes bleed.
THE TOP 5 WORST!!
#5: DANCE FLICK
For the first time in their career the Wayans Bros. have managed to move themselves to a respectable location in the 5 Worst category. This new position should be one of great renown and delight for them because they did not make the absolute worst movie of the summer. In fact, I dare say that there were one or two instances where a chuckle and a grimace were coaxed outta me. I believe a slow clap is in order.
#4: TAKING WOODSTOCK
Ang Lee loves him some gay story telling. Demetri Martin as a gay kid who inadvertently unleashes the hell called Woodstock on his unassuming town turned out to be far worse than I was expecting. I was expecting a light-hearted and charming romp through this one anonymous kid's life as he sky rockets to infamy for transforming his home town into the hippie mecca of the universe. Throw in his boarish and unsympatheically pathetic family and you have a movie that doesn't understand what it's supposed to be about. Is it about Woodstock? This kid's relationship with his family? Or him struggling with closet homosexuality? I'm confused and now I don't give a shit. Lieve Schreiber returns as the only saving grace, a transvestite undercover security detail. But he's only in it for five minutes tops. The rest of the time, I hated it.
#3: FUNNY PEOPLE
Watching this movie is the equivalent of being told that you're going to die from the same afflection as Adam Sandler's character. And you will die a little inside just as this movie ends. How and why this was made is a mystery. The script is not funny, the characters are just terrible fucking people, and more than that a movie called FUNNY PEOPLE was not even a little funny. Go fuck yourself movie.
#2: TERMINATOR: SALVATION
WTF Christian Bale? You were box office god last summer when you rocked our balls as Batman again. And then you turn around and thank us for our money with this pile of shit? I'm beginning to think the edgey artist we all fell in love with is now the biggest sell out of our generation. I'd like to say you phoned it in during the shooting of this movie, but that'd be giving your performance too much credit. You texted this mutherfucker in. I'm sure Edward Furlong is sitting in his beaten up Dodge Arrow in an abandoned hospital parking lot somewhere, saying "Thanks for doing me a solid Bale."
#1: PUBLIC ENEMIES
Oh my god, this movie was terrible. How can I best describe to you how awful it was? I would have to make a movie with a decent Hollywood sized budget and seven out of the nine best writers in the world to create a two hour opus explaining the terribleness of this movie. It's so bad that it transcends words and could only be described through movie picture. Christian Bale, clearly not hearing what I said previously about T4 and Johnny Depp are as lifeless as rubber fuck dolls. Channing Tatum who starred as Duke in G.I. JOE this year was supposed to be in the movie longer, but took the easy way out by having Bale's character shoot him in the spine. Michael Mann continues to confound us all by getting directing work despite a number of people having watched MIAMI VICE. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. You will not get me again Mann. I garuntee it.
THE BOZ'S LIST
Ah, the summer is over and another summer movie season draws to a close. It was an OK summer. Only one movie really blew me away and no movie pissed me off as much as The Crappening did last summer. Overall I’d give it a B-.
THE BEST:
5. Star Trek: A great summer action film. I had no hope for this movie. A new actor as the star, a re-make of a TV show I never really liked and Leonard Nimoy still in the mix…I thought this film was doomed. Boy was I wrong. The plot was not the strongest ever (as with all ST films) but the action and fun characters more than made up for yet another time travel Star Trek film.
4. Up: Pixar strikes again but this time with a more adult story. I have not cried as much in a film as I did during this one since I saw Ernest get dissed by the camp counselors in Ernest Goes to Camp. Up is a great story about fulfilling your dreams and living life to the fullest. Sure the bad guy is kind of 1 dimensional but with the rest of the cast being so strong, the visuals being remarkable and the story being so touching, who needs an in depth look at the villain.
3. The Hangover: Role Models circa 2009. The summer comedy I did not want to see that blew me away and made me laugh until I fell right outta my chair. A brilliant cast with a brilliant script and a simple story that the screenwriters and directors kept to. 3 guys, bachelor party, lost groom and hilarity. A simple formula with uproarious results.
2. G.I. Joe – The Rise of Cobra: Fun, fun, fun. Just what I want from my summer movies. Was this a smart movie in any way shape or form? Hell no! Is this movie gonna win any Oscars? Hell no! Did most people even like this movie? Hell no! But did it deliver my childhood back to me in spades? Hell yes! I was a G.I. Joe freak as a kid and I owned like 80% of the toys. This movie looked like a total flop but instead it was fun, exciting, action packed and full of beautiful women. Just what a growing boy needs!
1. District 9: Robocop for the new millennium. A silly sci-fi/action film with an important message buried underneath so fans can still enjoy a message movie. But, like Robocop, the action was still amazing and the characters still engaging. I loved, loved, loved this movie. And let’s face it folks, if aliens did come to earth, humankind would put them in concentration camps, exploit them for their advanced technology and give them no civil rights. Then they would rise up and kill us all. We know it’s gonna happen someday.
THE WORST:
5. Gamer: I saw this with Truthbringer and Drew and they actually really liked this film so I am definitely in the minority here. This was a high-concept film that I was hoping would be lowbrow, but instead it was a high-concept film for the MTV generation and it gave me a headache. Very little time spent in the “game world” and a bad guy I just wanted to punch in the face. This movie had very little redeeming qualities and some strange cinematography that made me yearn for Speed Racer….ok it wasn’t that bad.
4. The Ugly Truth: Gerard Butler had a bad summer. Aside from Gamer he was in this schlock of a romantic comedy. His character was awesome but with a dribble of a script I could not understand why his character fell in love with the bitch of a female lead. Ugh, the romantic comedy genre is terrible and this film is another can of gasoline to throw on that bonfire.
3. Angels & Demons: Hated the Davinci Code book and film. Love A&D as a book, but hated the film. Tom Hanks is still terrible as Langdon and this film had the worst police force in the history of bad police forces. Twice they catch the assassin and twice he disperses 20 cops by himself and yet he can’t kill a Professor from Harvard! This film sucks.
2. Public Enemies: Damn you Michael Mann! Damn you! I should’ve known this film would suck after sitting through Miami Vice, but the preview looked so cool I had to see this “film”. Instead I got 2 and a half hours of boring ass, incomprehensible dialogue from sleepwalking actors who look more bored than the audience. I would rather read the dictionary than sit through that piece of shit again.
1. Terminator – Salvation: Another back-to-back for a good actor who ruined his career this summer. Christian Bale (as with the aforementioned Gerard Butler) phoned it in for this terrible movie that ruined an already struggling series. Why don’t the machines just use gas on the humans? How do they know who John Connor’s father is? Why don’t they just KILL John Connor’s father instead of using him as bait? Why was this film made? Why did Christian Bale agree to do this? Why was Arnold Schwarzenegger the only person smart enough to turn this film down? This film is God awful. Do not see it. Don’t even read the box when it comes out on DVD, it might become aware and kill you.
Ahh summer, how you entertain and devestate me so. You really showed me a good time my chummier season and yet thusly left me traveling the walk of shame down many a movie theater aisles. My head hung low in shame. I celebrate you now oh nickelodeon gods, because there are so few awards granted to the artists who bring movies together I will now list for you selections.
#5: X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE
Say what you will about the lack of character authenticity, or even actual history or abilities. It's all askew and honestly I couldn't give less of a shit. This movie kicked my ass with it's awsomeness. Sure there were parts where Logan's claws looked like they were straight outta toon town, but who cares. It has Wolverine in it! And he's killing people. Like he outta been doing way back in 99'. Throw in Lieve Schreiber as Sabertooth, and Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool and you have one orgasmic Truthbringer to deal with and clean up after.
#4: THE HANGOVER
Over 200,000,000. That's how much money this movie has made. Over 200,000,000. Proving once and for all that clever writing, a stellar cast, and intruig is far more compelling than flash and CGI. This movie gave us many catch phrases to throw around the entire summer, and provided me with the most surprising laughs I've had all year. Never saw this movie coming. It was like a Mike Tyson sucker punch. Which I doubt I'd be able to take as well as Allen.
#3: THE HURT LOCKER
This is the movie they should show to high school kids after those army recruiment people have packed up their pamphlets and left the auditorium. Between the soul draining heat, and the possibility of being held down by a sniper with .50 cal pointed at your spine, this gives them the REAL look into what might be waiting for them. Not a mountain with a sword in the crystal at the top. Brillianty directed and unflinching in the face of danger, I've never said "Holy shit that's a bad idea" so many times during a movie before. And then sat squirming as the characters went through with said bad idea anyway. Brilliant.
#2: INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
I really dug the hell outta this movie. And I was fucking worried there for a minute too. Because visions of that horrible, menstrating mess called DEATHPROOF was still fresh in my mind when I picked up my tickets to this. It wasn't the action flick I was expecting ~ala~ KILL BILL. But more of a personal story given archs through several different people ~ala~ PULP FICTION. Brad Pitt is amazing, and Christoph Waltz is magnetic. See this movie if you haven't yet.
#1: DISTRICT 9
I didn't even know this movie was coming out this summer until about late June. I knew it was going to be something of a spectacle to see, but holy shit was I wrong about great it was going to be. It had me bolted to me seat with what was going on. Awed at the scope of the story, fearful for what would happen to our protaganist and the aliens he's suddenly found himself thrust into the company of. Angry at the greed of the world around him, from the crippled South African Crime lord, to the shadiness of the corporate entity he had worked for. This is what we as a world would do if this were to ever happen. And that is why we should fear the wrath of other planets destroying our home world before worrying about some arbitrary number the Aztecs may or may not have written down. *TANGENT* Why are we worrying about the Aztec calander? Weren't these the people who chopped out hearts in the name of the sun? *END TANGENT* District 9 is fucking amazing. The drama, the story and the action is absolutely incredible and I cannot wait to own this and watch it until my eyes bleed.
#5: DANCE FLICK
For the first time in their career the Wayans Bros. have managed to move themselves to a respectable location in the 5 Worst category. This new position should be one of great renown and delight for them because they did not make the absolute worst movie of the summer. In fact, I dare say that there were one or two instances where a chuckle and a grimace were coaxed outta me. I believe a slow clap is in order.
#4: TAKING WOODSTOCK
Ang Lee loves him some gay story telling. Demetri Martin as a gay kid who inadvertently unleashes the hell called Woodstock on his unassuming town turned out to be far worse than I was expecting. I was expecting a light-hearted and charming romp through this one anonymous kid's life as he sky rockets to infamy for transforming his home town into the hippie mecca of the universe. Throw in his boarish and unsympatheically pathetic family and you have a movie that doesn't understand what it's supposed to be about. Is it about Woodstock? This kid's relationship with his family? Or him struggling with closet homosexuality? I'm confused and now I don't give a shit. Lieve Schreiber returns as the only saving grace, a transvestite undercover security detail. But he's only in it for five minutes tops. The rest of the time, I hated it.
#3: FUNNY PEOPLE
Watching this movie is the equivalent of being told that you're going to die from the same afflection as Adam Sandler's character. And you will die a little inside just as this movie ends. How and why this was made is a mystery. The script is not funny, the characters are just terrible fucking people, and more than that a movie called FUNNY PEOPLE was not even a little funny. Go fuck yourself movie.
#2: TERMINATOR: SALVATION
WTF Christian Bale? You were box office god last summer when you rocked our balls as Batman again. And then you turn around and thank us for our money with this pile of shit? I'm beginning to think the edgey artist we all fell in love with is now the biggest sell out of our generation. I'd like to say you phoned it in during the shooting of this movie, but that'd be giving your performance too much credit. You texted this mutherfucker in. I'm sure Edward Furlong is sitting in his beaten up Dodge Arrow in an abandoned hospital parking lot somewhere, saying "Thanks for doing me a solid Bale."
#1: PUBLIC ENEMIES
Oh my god, this movie was terrible. How can I best describe to you how awful it was? I would have to make a movie with a decent Hollywood sized budget and seven out of the nine best writers in the world to create a two hour opus explaining the terribleness of this movie. It's so bad that it transcends words and could only be described through movie picture. Christian Bale, clearly not hearing what I said previously about T4 and Johnny Depp are as lifeless as rubber fuck dolls. Channing Tatum who starred as Duke in G.I. JOE this year was supposed to be in the movie longer, but took the easy way out by having Bale's character shoot him in the spine. Michael Mann continues to confound us all by getting directing work despite a number of people having watched MIAMI VICE. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. You will not get me again Mann. I garuntee it.
THE BOZ'S LIST
Ah, the summer is over and another summer movie season draws to a close. It was an OK summer. Only one movie really blew me away and no movie pissed me off as much as The Crappening did last summer. Overall I’d give it a B-.
THE BEST:
5. Star Trek: A great summer action film. I had no hope for this movie. A new actor as the star, a re-make of a TV show I never really liked and Leonard Nimoy still in the mix…I thought this film was doomed. Boy was I wrong. The plot was not the strongest ever (as with all ST films) but the action and fun characters more than made up for yet another time travel Star Trek film.
4. Up: Pixar strikes again but this time with a more adult story. I have not cried as much in a film as I did during this one since I saw Ernest get dissed by the camp counselors in Ernest Goes to Camp. Up is a great story about fulfilling your dreams and living life to the fullest. Sure the bad guy is kind of 1 dimensional but with the rest of the cast being so strong, the visuals being remarkable and the story being so touching, who needs an in depth look at the villain.
3. The Hangover: Role Models circa 2009. The summer comedy I did not want to see that blew me away and made me laugh until I fell right outta my chair. A brilliant cast with a brilliant script and a simple story that the screenwriters and directors kept to. 3 guys, bachelor party, lost groom and hilarity. A simple formula with uproarious results.
2. G.I. Joe – The Rise of Cobra: Fun, fun, fun. Just what I want from my summer movies. Was this a smart movie in any way shape or form? Hell no! Is this movie gonna win any Oscars? Hell no! Did most people even like this movie? Hell no! But did it deliver my childhood back to me in spades? Hell yes! I was a G.I. Joe freak as a kid and I owned like 80% of the toys. This movie looked like a total flop but instead it was fun, exciting, action packed and full of beautiful women. Just what a growing boy needs!
1. District 9: Robocop for the new millennium. A silly sci-fi/action film with an important message buried underneath so fans can still enjoy a message movie. But, like Robocop, the action was still amazing and the characters still engaging. I loved, loved, loved this movie. And let’s face it folks, if aliens did come to earth, humankind would put them in concentration camps, exploit them for their advanced technology and give them no civil rights. Then they would rise up and kill us all. We know it’s gonna happen someday.
THE WORST:
5. Gamer: I saw this with Truthbringer and Drew and they actually really liked this film so I am definitely in the minority here. This was a high-concept film that I was hoping would be lowbrow, but instead it was a high-concept film for the MTV generation and it gave me a headache. Very little time spent in the “game world” and a bad guy I just wanted to punch in the face. This movie had very little redeeming qualities and some strange cinematography that made me yearn for Speed Racer….ok it wasn’t that bad.
4. The Ugly Truth: Gerard Butler had a bad summer. Aside from Gamer he was in this schlock of a romantic comedy. His character was awesome but with a dribble of a script I could not understand why his character fell in love with the bitch of a female lead. Ugh, the romantic comedy genre is terrible and this film is another can of gasoline to throw on that bonfire.
3. Angels & Demons: Hated the Davinci Code book and film. Love A&D as a book, but hated the film. Tom Hanks is still terrible as Langdon and this film had the worst police force in the history of bad police forces. Twice they catch the assassin and twice he disperses 20 cops by himself and yet he can’t kill a Professor from Harvard! This film sucks.
2. Public Enemies: Damn you Michael Mann! Damn you! I should’ve known this film would suck after sitting through Miami Vice, but the preview looked so cool I had to see this “film”. Instead I got 2 and a half hours of boring ass, incomprehensible dialogue from sleepwalking actors who look more bored than the audience. I would rather read the dictionary than sit through that piece of shit again.
1. Terminator – Salvation: Another back-to-back for a good actor who ruined his career this summer. Christian Bale (as with the aforementioned Gerard Butler) phoned it in for this terrible movie that ruined an already struggling series. Why don’t the machines just use gas on the humans? How do they know who John Connor’s father is? Why don’t they just KILL John Connor’s father instead of using him as bait? Why was this film made? Why did Christian Bale agree to do this? Why was Arnold Schwarzenegger the only person smart enough to turn this film down? This film is God awful. Do not see it. Don’t even read the box when it comes out on DVD, it might become aware and kill you.
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