Ahh summer, how you entertain and devestate me so. You really showed me a good time my chummier season and yet thusly left me traveling the walk of shame down many a movie theater aisles. My head hung low in shame. I celebrate you now oh nickelodeon gods, because there are so few awards granted to the artists who bring movies together I will now list for you selections.
#5: X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE
Say what you will about the lack of character authenticity, or even actual history or abilities. It's all askew and honestly I couldn't give less of a shit. This movie kicked my ass with it's awsomeness. Sure there were parts where Logan's claws looked like they were straight outta toon town, but who cares. It has Wolverine in it! And he's killing people. Like he outta been doing way back in 99'. Throw in Lieve Schreiber as Sabertooth, and Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool and you have one orgasmic Truthbringer to deal with and clean up after.
#4: THE HANGOVER
Over 200,000,000. That's how much money this movie has made. Over 200,000,000. Proving once and for all that clever writing, a stellar cast, and intruig is far more compelling than flash and CGI. This movie gave us many catch phrases to throw around the entire summer, and provided me with the most surprising laughs I've had all year. Never saw this movie coming. It was like a Mike Tyson sucker punch. Which I doubt I'd be able to take as well as Allen.
#3: THE HURT LOCKER
This is the movie they should show to high school kids after those army recruiment people have packed up their pamphlets and left the auditorium. Between the soul draining heat, and the possibility of being held down by a sniper with .50 cal pointed at your spine, this gives them the REAL look into what might be waiting for them. Not a mountain with a sword in the crystal at the top. Brillianty directed and unflinching in the face of danger, I've never said "Holy shit that's a bad idea" so many times during a movie before. And then sat squirming as the characters went through with said bad idea anyway. Brilliant.
#2: INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
I really dug the hell outta this movie. And I was fucking worried there for a minute too. Because visions of that horrible, menstrating mess called DEATHPROOF was still fresh in my mind when I picked up my tickets to this. It wasn't the action flick I was expecting ~ala~ KILL BILL. But more of a personal story given archs through several different people ~ala~ PULP FICTION. Brad Pitt is amazing, and Christoph Waltz is magnetic. See this movie if you haven't yet.
#1: DISTRICT 9
I didn't even know this movie was coming out this summer until about late June. I knew it was going to be something of a spectacle to see, but holy shit was I wrong about great it was going to be. It had me bolted to me seat with what was going on. Awed at the scope of the story, fearful for what would happen to our protaganist and the aliens he's suddenly found himself thrust into the company of. Angry at the greed of the world around him, from the crippled South African Crime lord, to the shadiness of the corporate entity he had worked for. This is what we as a world would do if this were to ever happen. And that is why we should fear the wrath of other planets destroying our home world before worrying about some arbitrary number the Aztecs may or may not have written down. *TANGENT* Why are we worrying about the Aztec calander? Weren't these the people who chopped out hearts in the name of the sun? *END TANGENT* District 9 is fucking amazing. The drama, the story and the action is absolutely incredible and I cannot wait to own this and watch it until my eyes bleed.
#5: DANCE FLICK
For the first time in their career the Wayans Bros. have managed to move themselves to a respectable location in the 5 Worst category. This new position should be one of great renown and delight for them because they did not make the absolute worst movie of the summer. In fact, I dare say that there were one or two instances where a chuckle and a grimace were coaxed outta me. I believe a slow clap is in order.
#4: TAKING WOODSTOCK
Ang Lee loves him some gay story telling. Demetri Martin as a gay kid who inadvertently unleashes the hell called Woodstock on his unassuming town turned out to be far worse than I was expecting. I was expecting a light-hearted and charming romp through this one anonymous kid's life as he sky rockets to infamy for transforming his home town into the hippie mecca of the universe. Throw in his boarish and unsympatheically pathetic family and you have a movie that doesn't understand what it's supposed to be about. Is it about Woodstock? This kid's relationship with his family? Or him struggling with closet homosexuality? I'm confused and now I don't give a shit. Lieve Schreiber returns as the only saving grace, a transvestite undercover security detail. But he's only in it for five minutes tops. The rest of the time, I hated it.
#3: FUNNY PEOPLE
Watching this movie is the equivalent of being told that you're going to die from the same afflection as Adam Sandler's character. And you will die a little inside just as this movie ends. How and why this was made is a mystery. The script is not funny, the characters are just terrible fucking people, and more than that a movie called FUNNY PEOPLE was not even a little funny. Go fuck yourself movie.
#2: TERMINATOR: SALVATION
WTF Christian Bale? You were box office god last summer when you rocked our balls as Batman again. And then you turn around and thank us for our money with this pile of shit? I'm beginning to think the edgey artist we all fell in love with is now the biggest sell out of our generation. I'd like to say you phoned it in during the shooting of this movie, but that'd be giving your performance too much credit. You texted this mutherfucker in. I'm sure Edward Furlong is sitting in his beaten up Dodge Arrow in an abandoned hospital parking lot somewhere, saying "Thanks for doing me a solid Bale."
#1: PUBLIC ENEMIES
Oh my god, this movie was terrible. How can I best describe to you how awful it was? I would have to make a movie with a decent Hollywood sized budget and seven out of the nine best writers in the world to create a two hour opus explaining the terribleness of this movie. It's so bad that it transcends words and could only be described through movie picture. Christian Bale, clearly not hearing what I said previously about T4 and Johnny Depp are as lifeless as rubber fuck dolls. Channing Tatum who starred as Duke in G.I. JOE this year was supposed to be in the movie longer, but took the easy way out by having Bale's character shoot him in the spine. Michael Mann continues to confound us all by getting directing work despite a number of people having watched MIAMI VICE. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. You will not get me again Mann. I garuntee it.
THE BOZ'S LIST
Ah, the summer is over and another summer movie season draws to a close. It was an OK summer. Only one movie really blew me away and no movie pissed me off as much as The Crappening did last summer. Overall I’d give it a B-.
THE BEST:
5. Star Trek: A great summer action film. I had no hope for this movie. A new actor as the star, a re-make of a TV show I never really liked and Leonard Nimoy still in the mix…I thought this film was doomed. Boy was I wrong. The plot was not the strongest ever (as with all ST films) but the action and fun characters more than made up for yet another time travel Star Trek film.
4. Up: Pixar strikes again but this time with a more adult story. I have not cried as much in a film as I did during this one since I saw Ernest get dissed by the camp counselors in Ernest Goes to Camp. Up is a great story about fulfilling your dreams and living life to the fullest. Sure the bad guy is kind of 1 dimensional but with the rest of the cast being so strong, the visuals being remarkable and the story being so touching, who needs an in depth look at the villain.
3. The Hangover: Role Models circa 2009. The summer comedy I did not want to see that blew me away and made me laugh until I fell right outta my chair. A brilliant cast with a brilliant script and a simple story that the screenwriters and directors kept to. 3 guys, bachelor party, lost groom and hilarity. A simple formula with uproarious results.
2. G.I. Joe – The Rise of Cobra: Fun, fun, fun. Just what I want from my summer movies. Was this a smart movie in any way shape or form? Hell no! Is this movie gonna win any Oscars? Hell no! Did most people even like this movie? Hell no! But did it deliver my childhood back to me in spades? Hell yes! I was a G.I. Joe freak as a kid and I owned like 80% of the toys. This movie looked like a total flop but instead it was fun, exciting, action packed and full of beautiful women. Just what a growing boy needs!
1. District 9: Robocop for the new millennium. A silly sci-fi/action film with an important message buried underneath so fans can still enjoy a message movie. But, like Robocop, the action was still amazing and the characters still engaging. I loved, loved, loved this movie. And let’s face it folks, if aliens did come to earth, humankind would put them in concentration camps, exploit them for their advanced technology and give them no civil rights. Then they would rise up and kill us all. We know it’s gonna happen someday.
THE WORST:
5. Gamer: I saw this with Truthbringer and Drew and they actually really liked this film so I am definitely in the minority here. This was a high-concept film that I was hoping would be lowbrow, but instead it was a high-concept film for the MTV generation and it gave me a headache. Very little time spent in the “game world” and a bad guy I just wanted to punch in the face. This movie had very little redeeming qualities and some strange cinematography that made me yearn for Speed Racer….ok it wasn’t that bad.
4. The Ugly Truth: Gerard Butler had a bad summer. Aside from Gamer he was in this schlock of a romantic comedy. His character was awesome but with a dribble of a script I could not understand why his character fell in love with the bitch of a female lead. Ugh, the romantic comedy genre is terrible and this film is another can of gasoline to throw on that bonfire.
3. Angels & Demons: Hated the Davinci Code book and film. Love A&D as a book, but hated the film. Tom Hanks is still terrible as Langdon and this film had the worst police force in the history of bad police forces. Twice they catch the assassin and twice he disperses 20 cops by himself and yet he can’t kill a Professor from Harvard! This film sucks.
2. Public Enemies: Damn you Michael Mann! Damn you! I should’ve known this film would suck after sitting through Miami Vice, but the preview looked so cool I had to see this “film”. Instead I got 2 and a half hours of boring ass, incomprehensible dialogue from sleepwalking actors who look more bored than the audience. I would rather read the dictionary than sit through that piece of shit again.
1. Terminator – Salvation: Another back-to-back for a good actor who ruined his career this summer. Christian Bale (as with the aforementioned Gerard Butler) phoned it in for this terrible movie that ruined an already struggling series. Why don’t the machines just use gas on the humans? How do they know who John Connor’s father is? Why don’t they just KILL John Connor’s father instead of using him as bait? Why was this film made? Why did Christian Bale agree to do this? Why was Arnold Schwarzenegger the only person smart enough to turn this film down? This film is God awful. Do not see it. Don’t even read the box when it comes out on DVD, it might become aware and kill you.
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