Where the Heck are the Thundercats?

TRANSFORMERS 2 looks like it's going to kick the living piss out of me. The new trailer looks amazing. Optimus is back, Bumblebee is back, and more importantly STARSCREAM!! My favorite Transformer ever, and it promises to be the ultimate Starscream fan's orgasm in a bottle. I am that fan. We all know Starscream was not the Decepticon to fuck with in the first flick. Megatron may have been the most ferocious, but did you hear the panic in Ratchet's voice when he realized who the F-21 Raptor was? Did you see the absolute fear in his eyes?

"IT'S STARSCREAM!!!!!" Megatron didn't even elicit that kind of absolute robot equivalent bowel emptying. And it looks like this always-ran of the series is finally getting his due. And I couldn't be more excited. My only wish is that at one point he gets that makeshift crown he put together when he thought Megatron was dead in the cartoon movie. How sweet would that be? So sweet. Besides Starscream, I had my ass kicked by the rest of the trailer. We've got the Destructicons, Optimus is returning with the wise grandfatherly voice only Peter Cullen could provide, and most importantly Megan Fox bending over the side of a motorcycle. What god did I please? I didn't even mind that Shia LaBeouf's mug popped up. Sadly he's entrenched in the Transformer's legacy now and I must learn to deal with it. Even if he does look like Tom Hanks with Down's Syndrome. But then I got absolutely angry. An angry I haven't felt for quite some time. An angry that only be described as near murderous in it's unleashed rage. For you see John Turturro has no place in this movie. He was the worst portion of the first flick, is the worst portion of the trailer, and will be the worst portion of the sequel. I can't stand him in this movie, in fact I don't think I've ever liked him in any movie. Can't we just have the giant robots smacking the crap out of each other for two hours? The promise of how much action is coming when this movie releases is enough to make sure that I have my lard ass planted in a theatre seat come launch day.

G.I. JOE on the other hand looks like a train wreck of biblical proportions. It appears to be one of the seals Sam and Dean are continually fighting to keep closed. Come August 7, 2009 Satan will be that much closer to walking the earth. Why Paramount would offer this movie to Stephen Sommers is beyond me. His last directing credit was for The Mummy: The Ride.

The Mummy: The Ride.

The Mummy: The Ride.

The last thing Stephen Sommers directed was The Mummy: The Ride. If during the press junkets for this movie he ever stops to utter "This movie is a rollercoaster" it would be amazing if the interviewer took out a gun and killed himself. Better to have your suicide broadcast on national television and youtube, than have to listen to Mr. Sommers for one second longer than neccessary. The new trailer online is the French trailer, and one high ranking army general turns to another with a report on how the Eiffel Tower was destroyed by a bio-chemical weapon and says "The French are pretty upset". We the audience sit there and think "Oh, I guess the French are upset because their beloved tower is gone and probably hundreds of people are dead". But we're wrong. The French are upset because they have their own cut trailer of what the apocolypse is going to look like. They don't want to be schlocked in with this garbage. Last I checked they kind of thought America was ignorant and self-righteous. How does releasing a trailer for a movie that radiates the message that America is awsome, in France not upset anyone? Despite that it just looks terrible. Cybernetic power suits? What the fuck is that? When did the GI Joe team begin donning suits that make them look like the FOX NFL Robots? And let's not forget the casting. Channing Tatum as Duke? The man that so impressed audiences with his dancing skills in the STEP UP series that we decided to make him the most inspirational leader next to Optimus Prime? Marlon Wayans as Ripcord? Why is Marlon Wayans' name anywhere near this movie! The closest his name should be is on the poster hanging next to the G.I. JOE poster, promoting his new comedy about how tiny black men pretending to be tiny white babies in a spoof of a horror movies. Arnold Vosloo? I haven't heard that name since 2001. But that was way back when THE MUMMY RETURNS was . . . . . . . Awwww! Fuck you Stephen Sommers.