Who the fuck is James T. Kirk? Did Harold smuggle any white castle's aboard? Why does Sylar have pointy ears? What's that smell? These are just a few of the questions floating around my head every time I see the trailer for the new Star Trek movie about to be unleashed. Due in part to the fact that I know as much about Star Trek lore as I do ancient Mesopotamian agriculture. To me Spock is the guy who taught the world the finger thing, Klingons are why I use dryer sheets, and the borg was created by Cyberdyne. But I'll rock the Trek willingly this time around. Who better to bring me into the vast universe that it must be than J.J. Abrams? The man who brought me Cloverfield and Lost (which I loved until late, fuck you very much Carlton and Damon). But mostly I want to see if it is Kirk nailing Uhura. I guess this notion has caused an uproar of sorts and I want to be there for the start of the nerd revolution.
2. IMAGINE THAT:
I am all about the annual bad Eddie Murphy movie. Meet Dave was brilliant in its awfulness. A real Utopia of crap. You know how I know this is going to be yet another feather in Eddie's cap? Because he has that same "Child From The Ukraine Lost In The Mall of America Being Questioned by Security on Where His Parents Are" look he has in almost every poster he's been featured in since Coming to America. This movie tells us that our children's imaginations can make business transactions in the world of investing a reality. Much like how Bedtime Stories did the same thing except in the world of hotel management. I'm noticing a disturbing trend between ex-SNL cast members. I certainly hope the next, "child's imagination creates wacky results for dad at work movie" will at least have the decency to star Chris Katan. Not that I particularly want to see him in any movie, but he's been out of work for a while. Throw the guy a bone huh?
3. TERMINATOR SALVATION:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on there. Great Arnie's ghost! You mean little ragamuffin Edward Furlong grows up to be leader of men Christian Bale? Who cares how bleak the future is, or if man-kind is enslaved by the machines. You get to grow up and look like Christian "Dark Knight" Bale! If after years of running from all sorts of murderous cybernetic organisms, and trying to change an uncertain future I woke up one day and saw Christian Bale looking back at me from the other side of the mirror I'd say, "Who replaced my mirror with a window, and why is Christian Bale looking at me so intensely?" Despite all the scandal that blew completely out of proportion I am counting the days until I get to see what sort of shenanigans Skynet cyborgs get into this summer. Since when does controversy keep people out of theaters? It's a well known fact that DPs are cocks. That's my take on it from now on, I'm not about to argue with Bale. He'd karate chop me to the throat.
4. DRAG ME TO HELL:
Saw it, loved it. Can't wait to see what it looks like with new music, finished effects, and pumped up surround sound. The title may indicate where the lead characters are heading but since first viewing this movie has taken me to heaven.
5. UP:
Another serving from the buffet that is Pixar. They really cannot do wrong. They could make a movie about a kindly old lady who ties kittens into burlap bags and drowns them for profit and it would still make enough money to buy most of Uruguay. Ed Asner returns to the role that made him his first million dollars as a curmudgeon old man who wants nothing more than to choke the youth of America and be left alone. In his eccentricity he ties thousands upon thousand of balloons to his house in order to float away and live out a life of happiness and adventure. But I find it hard to believe that after having bought his 387th balloon that he didn't at least crack a smile or two. Who has ever had a frowny face while purchasing his 387th balloon? And then to buy hundreds of thousands of them and not feel the least bit whimsy? That guy has problems. He needs to leave.
6. LAND OF THE LOST:
Will Ferrell has been blessed by God. How else could a man that talentless, and that unfunny ever have a career in comedy let alone be a major movie star? His aura shines with the light of a world not seen by man, he doesn't walk with us he walks among us. And since his otherworldly divinity has made another movie to be given to us this summer, I must follow and parade myself down the hall of my favorit multi-plex and forgo the other unworthy movies so that I may bask in the one joke wonder that is Mr. Ferrell. God bless you sir. God bless.
7: TRANSFORMER RISE OF THE FALLEN:
I don't really care what part of the mythology they get right or wrong anymore. I've given up on hoping that someone will make a 100% translation of something tha was held near and dear to my heart as a child. Letting go of that is freeing in a sense I've never felt before. This sequel is going to kick all forms of ass from here to Bangkok. Even if Mutt will make me want to pluck my eyes outta my head ~ala~ KILL BILL. Optimus be praised.
8. PUBLIC ENEMIES:
I want to bare Johnny Depp's child. I figure the closest approximation I can get to that is to just go see his movies. Christian Bale is in it too. He's not a bad looking guy either. I guess I'd let them double-team me if the oppurtunity ever arose. Throw in Victor Garber and you have my ultimate "I'm not gay, but I would let . . . . . fuck me" fantasy going on there.
9. HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE:
At long last this horrible movie will be unleased from the chain tethering it to the back yard. Like a rabid dog it's poised to tear the throat out and lap up the spilling blood of TWILIGHT. Clearly trying to bank on the mindless teenage girl audience we will be all set to see the emotions all sixteen year olds confuse for love. And maybe we'll get some magic and quidditch in this if we're lucky. This isn't more of a movie I'm dying to see, but one that I will need to in order to bridge the gap to the next and final two flicks. C'mon! Build that bridge already!
10. INGLORIOUS BASTARDS:
Quentin Tarantino almost lost me as a fan with DEATHPROOF. That movie made JAWS 4 look like JAWS 2. I get that QT is the ultimate ladies man in terms of really listening to them, but making a whole movie about their conversations with a title called DEATHPROOF is pretty fucking misleading. This movie is set in World War II and stars Brad Pitt. Done. I'm there. Can I buy my tickets now? Hmmm. I wonder how Brad feels about Victor Garber. . . .
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