Commercialized heroin.

I have found the company that has finally discovered how to make sweet, sweet heroin legally and market it without fear of prison. The companies name is Frito-Lay, and their product is doritos. Namely, the cheeseburger flavored Doritos. The addicting substance that has made me a helpless, pathetic chip inhaling junkie.
It all started in 2007 during a fateful trip to San Diego. Wandering through the grocery store my family and I had stopped in for a few six packs of soda, I came upon a display for Doritos. But they were mysterious Doritos. In a solid black bag with the word "X-13D" stamped across the middle. Underneath, were the words "All American Classic". I had heard on the radio that these chips were out there I just never believed them until that day. Before even cracking it open I knew that these were the mysteriously cheeseburger flavored chips I had been praying for.
I quickly bought a bag. Whisked it back to my hotel room and partook in a life changing event. I ate one. It was Halloween, Christmas, and handjobs wrapped into a chip. All my dreams came true in one flavorful ejaculation of tomato past, beef tallow, and wheat dust. I had found nirvana.
And when we finally got home from our vacation, the bags were never seen from again. They had up and disappeared, and I slipped into a pit of despair not ever recorded in history.
"They tasted like a burger!" I would proclaim from the town square. My bell ringing loudly above my tri-cornered hat. "Doritos X-13D! My kingdom for a bag of Doritos X-13D."
No one knew what I was talking about. I scoured the internet. Because when all else fails, the internet is the last bastion of sanity. Indeed they were released, but there was no mention of why, or wherefor. "Well," I thought to myself. "Surely I can purchase these mythical chips FROM the internet somewhere." No you can't. Except for a vew blurbs here and there, no one ever heard of these snack legends ever again.
Until January 18, 2010. Wandering aimlessly around the grocery store after having had my teeth cleaned I looked for some dinner and lunch stuffs. When out of the corner of my eye I saw a bag of Doritos. That looked suspiciously like their Taco Flavored chips. A mockery-abortion of the magic of the X-13D. But on this bag there was no mention of the word taco. There was the word. . . .CHEESEBURGER! In an instant, five bags were in my arm. Because this was all the display carried. I purchased them all, and took them home. One bag cracked, the other four sitting vigilantly, ready to sacrafice themselves for me when their time comes. But this was not enough. What if Frito-Lay decides to cancel the line this weekend? "I better get one more bag just to be safe. Besides, they're not all for me. I have plenty of people to prove to, that I'm not crazy."
I bought another bag, and I probably inteed to buy at least one more. I now revel in my horde of cheeseburger flavored Doritos. My personal wealth can longer be measured in dollar amounts. Now I deposit bags of false cheeseburgery into my savings account. I protect my investment in a safe-deposit box. Because you never know. The day may come when these bags fall victim to time again and that is left of them is but dust. Then it will be I who is laughing, from atop his ivory, cheeseburger flavored tower!
PS. I realize that in order to get the taste of a cheeseburger all I simply must do is go purchase a cheeseburger, so don't bother pointing out the irony.