What Would I Do?

Have you seen these new commercials for Klondike Bar that are playing before every movie now? The one with Michael Ian Black and the hairy guy getting his chest and balls waxed? It's terrible. It makes NOT want a Klondike Bar. It makes me want to go out and buy Fudgesicles and laugh in the Klondike Bar's face while enjoy a seperate chocolatey treat that doesn't treat me like a turn of the century simpleton.

I've never understood the premis of the Klondike Bar commercials. Even as a kid they made no sense. Now they're just aggrevating. The jingle, "what would you do for a Klondike Bar?" followed by some benality is infuriating and frustrating.
"Hey! What would you do for a Klondike Bar?"
"I'd run around the subway in a chimp suit and harrass big angry inner city teenagers!"
"What would you do for a Klondike Bar?"
"I'd plot out a series of increasingly dangerous crimes that ends with my suicide that concludes with a swan dive from the top of my downtown office building!"
"What would you do for a Klodike Bar?"
"I'd sit through Funny People again!"

You know what I would do for a Klodike Bar? Go to the store and buy a box. Like a normal human being would.

GOOD LORD, HOW I HATE FAMILY CIRCUS

When was the last time you read FAMILY CIRCUS in the comic strips? I mean REALLY read it. Can you even remember the last time you laughed at any of them? It really is, quite possibly, the worst comic in the history of the funnies. That's saying a lot because there are so many horrible strips that still remain in the papers for some unknown and satanic reason. HAGGAR THE HORRIBLE? What the fuck? MARMADUKE!? Who is reading this shit? People like Bill Watterson and Gary Larson who brought us the great CALVIN AND HOBBES, and THE FAR SIDE retired while in their prime! Because they knew they weren't going to be able to keep up. That they had run out of jokes and had said what they needed to say and moved on. But for some reason we've got ZIGGY and HEATHCLIFF still staining our newspaper like a genital wart on a cock!
Bill Keane however, stands above them all. His strip is so bad, that the only reason I keep reading it is to work myself up into a tirade and shout to the rooftops on a daily basis, "WHY IS THIS STILL IN MY NEWSPAPER!?" It's a bit of sadomasochism I suppose. There is nothing preventing me from putting the paper down before I hit that circled window into hell. The only analogy for why I do it can be closely surmised by saying, it literally is like looking at a train wreck. You want to see the gore and the carnage caused by tons of twisted steel and people.
First off, all four kids in FAMILY CIRCUS are retarded. That's just a fact. They all have some sort of mental retardation that prevents them from completing functional thought.
Case in point;
While being served pizza by his mom, oldest son Billy exclaims, "Wow mom! This pizza is cool!"
To which his younger brother Jeffy says while pointing towards the kitchen, "No Billy, it's hot. I just saw mommy take it out of the microwave."
Is this the part where I'm supposed to laugh?
While Billy is all of seven years old and technically not quite ripe yet as far as maturity goes I'd like to thing that there are seven year olds out there who are cool enough to not ever tell anyone, especially their mom, how cool they think pizza and the consumption of pizza is. That they might instead reserve judgement and say things like, "Wow, those toys are cool." Or, "These shoes are cool." Or, "This bike is cool."
You know who would think pizza is cool? The Amish. I'm willing to bet that any one of them, the first time they saw or tasted pizza they would shout, "This pizza is the coolest thing since butter churning! And butter churning is pretty fucking cool!"
Billy and Jeffy are no little Harvard hopefuls that's for certain. And their baby brother PJ is well aboard the train to Stupidsville. But then there's their sister. Dolly. Dolly may be slightly handicapped but more so than that, she's a cunt. Plain and simple. She's a cunt to the umpteenth degree. Recently, whilst on a family camping trip we see the dad hoisting a sack of food up into the air and Dolly turns to PJ, who as a baby has no idea what she's saying or even who she is, and says "We have to put the food in the tree to keep it away from bears, raccoons, and Jeffy." Jeffy is within ear-shot of this and it is my belief that Dolly, as a cunt, said this loud enough for Jeffy to hear. That's her motivation for that comment. What else could it be? PJ hasn't a clue what she's saying, so why is talking to him like an equal? If she weren't mentally disabled, and capable of growing up to be a young lady who won't lick her palms during class for entertainment she would be one of those bitches in high school who belong to the bitch-clique. Her destiny does not lie with being popular or admired so she must take her natural instincts to be a vindictive bitch and tear her family apart piece by piece. Like a cunt.
I'm pretty sure Bill Keane is aware of the inane phrases those kids sprout out. He'd like to think they are funny but deep down he knows that they have no hope. Which is why the parents, Mommy and Daddy, constantly have a look of disappointment and exhaustion on their faces whenever one of their results of late night sex without proper protection and/or inaccurate pulling out technique, opens their mouth to spout out what must be white noise at this point. They are tired and ready to enact their murder suicide plot they've planned on if one more retarded comment falls out of their children's mouth. Things have gotten so bad, that I'm certain Daddy has castrated himself so as to prevent any future copolation. Seeing as how the four previous times they did so resulted in disaster.
What worries me most however is not how insepid the writing is or how flat on their face the jokes fail or even why this man is still being paid money to turn out this worthless product. What worries me, is the man in his RV. Waking up at the crack of down and getting his morning paper. Turning right to the funny pages (because let's face it he's not reading to see how the Dow Jones is doing) and racing his eyes right to FAMILY CIRCUS. Reading the mischeif those kids are getting themselves into, and then guffawing and hee-hawing like a mad man. Saying things, "Gosh dang them kids are funny. This Bill Keane is one funny sumbitch I tell you what man. I's aught'a send hims a case of PBR for bringing so much enjoyment inta ma' life. This one's going in the scrap book with the others!"
That man, scares the hell outta me.

ENVIOUS OF THE CARE-FREE LIFE OF THE STUPID.

I'm in community college. I'm trying to get a handle on life and take advantage of the opportunities out there, and I knew that I was going to be met with a lot of challenges. I just didn't know those challenges were going to be in the form of some of the dumbest fucking people I've ever had the misfortune to lay eyes on.

You know how in movies they always show Jr. Colleges as these run down, dilapidated buildings where ther desks are held together with Elmer's Glue from 1927 and there's always a substance dripping in a corner onto a radio that's still plugged in and the bare wires exposed and sparking. That's not my school. My school actually looks like a university designed by God Himself. But the students in the school, they belong in that stinky, smelly, moist school brought to life from the darkest recesses of human misery. Not all the students, just those special ones that make up the FUCKING MAJORITY!

I'm stuck in Math 125, which is actually cooler sounding than it really is. Cuz if you call it by it's Christian name, I'm in Elementary Algebra. I'm no good at math, I fully belong in this class but I wish they would just change the name to Math For Dumb-Dumbs and be done with it. This probably why there are numbers at the end of every class. It's code so that all the teachers can talk to one another and laugh about the jugheads in each class based on what number they're being forced to teach.

My professor, a gentle little man who I'll call Mister Miyagi for the simple reason that he reminds me of. . . .Mister Myagi but absent the fighting technique or self confidence skills. Let's just say his Engrish isn't all that great, which makes listening to him that much more difficult. But his stubborn refusal to curb the shinanigins of my fellow classmates leads me feeling at times like I'm about to start a riot. I thought my Pre-Algebra class was bad! I once likened my Pre-Algebra class to Anotonia Banderas' TAKE THE LEAD in which I suspected my class of misfits and mouth-breathers could be reached by a dance teacher. And then we would bond together as a team, take to street dancing competions, and then finally win big at the National Dance-Off. All while learning basic math skills. Pre-Algebra is home to where I heard such monumental math break throughs such as, "Oh! You CARRY the 4."

Math 125 makes Pre-Algebra look like a sensual honeymoon in a hotel where you have a giant champagne glass as a hot tub, the beds are circular, and Sinbad is playing on the main stage. The cast of characters in Math 125 include(d):

THE FAT "METAL" GIRL: Whose every article of clothing she owns/wears is from HOT TOPIC. Including her far too tight belly shirt, her jeans that will burst from her like an airline stewardess being sucked out of an open hole on a pressurized airplane if she inhales too deeply, and her green and white striped gloves missing all the fingers. Thank God she brings her laptop to class so she can sit next to me and IM her bff's during lecture, because otherwise I might not think she was cool. She also does me the courtesy of eating the foulest smelling Cup of Noodles ever invented while making snide comments about the teacher, and telling everyone within ear shot how good at math she is and why she's shocked she failed all these tests.

THE GUY WHO THINKS HE'S A GANGSTA' BUT WOULD SHIT HIMSELF IF ONE ACTUALLY KICKED IN THE DOOR: He's chubby, wears his pants down his knees, and hit baseball hat about thirty degrees off center. He talks to the only cute in the chick during class because he actually thinks he can somehow convince her to blow him in the bathroom during break. She amuses him because she has nothing better to do, like take notes. I'm sure his self confidence is through the roof! You can tell because he talks loudly about his weekends during class and constantly says, "Isn't that right Mister Xu?"

SIR EATS-ALOT-AND-THEN-BELCHES-ALOT: This fucker sits right behind me. Chewing on everything from sandwhiches and chips and then burpin in my ear for the first hour twenty. Thankfully he's never around for the last hour twenty because he leaves at break to head home. He is blissfully content to eat and run and not care about the tests because he just sits in the back commenting on how everyone is a loser but him. Ahh, to be so naive.

SQUAKER: This is the chick who will sit and talk to anyone who will listen, because she has to prove to herself that she's hot and worthy of male attention even though she isn't and she's fishing for men in the most polluted lake possible. The easiest way to identify her is to just listen to what the teacher says, and then she'll repeat it out-loud like it was her idea. The conversation in her head must be, "God, everyone must think I'm so smart. I hope they never find out that I'm not. Why do I itch so bad there?"

ONE IN A MILLION: And we come to my favorit part of the peanut gallery. A gentleman so irritating that if there were enough students in there that wanted to actually learn, we would rise up as one and slay him. The guy who will shout out answers whenever possible. But even funnier is that every answer he's ever shouted out has been wrong. Realizing that he knows literally next to nothing, he will then begin shout out other numbers in an attempt to get the right answer. I suppose his theory is if you shout out enough random numbers, sooner or later you're gonna find the right one. Just the other night after his rainbow of auditory guesses plauged the room, the teacher revealed the answer was 3. If he had just started counting instead of guessing, he actually would have been correct by his third guess.

TEN SUMMER MOVIES THAT WILL ROCK MY WORLD.

1. STAR TREK:

Who the fuck is James T. Kirk? Did Harold smuggle any white castle's aboard? Why does Sylar have pointy ears? What's that smell? These are just a few of the questions floating around my head every time I see the trailer for the new Star Trek movie about to be unleashed. Due in part to the fact that I know as much about Star Trek lore as I do ancient Mesopotamian agriculture. To me Spock is the guy who taught the world the finger thing, Klingons are why I use dryer sheets, and the borg was created by Cyberdyne. But I'll rock the Trek willingly this time around. Who better to bring me into the vast universe that it must be than J.J. Abrams? The man who brought me Cloverfield and Lost (which I loved until late, fuck you very much Carlton and Damon). But mostly I want to see if it is Kirk nailing Uhura. I guess this notion has caused an uproar of sorts and I want to be there for the start of the nerd revolution.

2. IMAGINE THAT:

I am all about the annual bad Eddie Murphy movie. Meet Dave was brilliant in its awfulness. A real Utopia of crap. You know how I know this is going to be yet another feather in Eddie's cap? Because he has that same "Child From The Ukraine Lost In The Mall of America Being Questioned by Security on Where His Parents Are" look he has in almost every poster he's been featured in since Coming to America. This movie tells us that our children's imaginations can make business transactions in the world of investing a reality. Much like how Bedtime Stories did the same thing except in the world of hotel management. I'm noticing a disturbing trend between ex-SNL cast members. I certainly hope the next, "child's imagination creates wacky results for dad at work movie" will at least have the decency to star Chris Katan. Not that I particularly want to see him in any movie, but he's been out of work for a while. Throw the guy a bone huh?

3. TERMINATOR SALVATION:

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on there. Great Arnie's ghost! You mean little ragamuffin Edward Furlong grows up to be leader of men Christian Bale? Who cares how bleak the future is, or if man-kind is enslaved by the machines. You get to grow up and look like Christian "Dark Knight" Bale! If after years of running from all sorts of murderous cybernetic organisms, and trying to change an uncertain future I woke up one day and saw Christian Bale looking back at me from the other side of the mirror I'd say, "Who replaced my mirror with a window, and why is Christian Bale looking at me so intensely?" Despite all the scandal that blew completely out of proportion I am counting the days until I get to see what sort of shenanigans Skynet cyborgs get into this summer. Since when does controversy keep people out of theaters? It's a well known fact that DPs are cocks. That's my take on it from now on, I'm not about to argue with Bale. He'd karate chop me to the throat.

4. DRAG ME TO HELL:

Saw it, loved it. Can't wait to see what it looks like with new music, finished effects, and pumped up surround sound. The title may indicate where the lead characters are heading but since first viewing this movie has taken me to heaven.

5. UP:

Another serving from the buffet that is Pixar. They really cannot do wrong. They could make a movie about a kindly old lady who ties kittens into burlap bags and drowns them for profit and it would still make enough money to buy most of Uruguay. Ed Asner returns to the role that made him his first million dollars as a curmudgeon old man who wants nothing more than to choke the youth of America and be left alone. In his eccentricity he ties thousands upon thousand of balloons to his house in order to float away and live out a life of happiness and adventure. But I find it hard to believe that after having bought his 387th balloon that he didn't at least crack a smile or two. Who has ever had a frowny face while purchasing his 387th balloon? And then to buy hundreds of thousands of them and not feel the least bit whimsy? That guy has problems. He needs to leave.

6. LAND OF THE LOST:

Will Ferrell has been blessed by God. How else could a man that talentless, and that unfunny ever have a career in comedy let alone be a major movie star? His aura shines with the light of a world not seen by man, he doesn't walk with us he walks among us. And since his otherworldly divinity has made another movie to be given to us this summer, I must follow and parade myself down the hall of my favorit multi-plex and forgo the other unworthy movies so that I may bask in the one joke wonder that is Mr. Ferrell. God bless you sir. God bless.

7: TRANSFORMER RISE OF THE FALLEN:

I don't really care what part of the mythology they get right or wrong anymore. I've given up on hoping that someone will make a 100% translation of something tha was held near and dear to my heart as a child. Letting go of that is freeing in a sense I've never felt before. This sequel is going to kick all forms of ass from here to Bangkok. Even if Mutt will make me want to pluck my eyes outta my head ~ala~ KILL BILL. Optimus be praised.

8. PUBLIC ENEMIES:

I want to bare Johnny Depp's child. I figure the closest approximation I can get to that is to just go see his movies. Christian Bale is in it too. He's not a bad looking guy either. I guess I'd let them double-team me if the oppurtunity ever arose. Throw in Victor Garber and you have my ultimate "I'm not gay, but I would let . . . . . fuck me" fantasy going on there.

9. HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE:

At long last this horrible movie will be unleased from the chain tethering it to the back yard. Like a rabid dog it's poised to tear the throat out and lap up the spilling blood of TWILIGHT. Clearly trying to bank on the mindless teenage girl audience we will be all set to see the emotions all sixteen year olds confuse for love. And maybe we'll get some magic and quidditch in this if we're lucky. This isn't more of a movie I'm dying to see, but one that I will need to in order to bridge the gap to the next and final two flicks. C'mon! Build that bridge already!

10. INGLORIOUS BASTARDS:

Quentin Tarantino almost lost me as a fan with DEATHPROOF. That movie made JAWS 4 look like JAWS 2. I get that QT is the ultimate ladies man in terms of really listening to them, but making a whole movie about their conversations with a title called DEATHPROOF is pretty fucking misleading. This movie is set in World War II and stars Brad Pitt. Done. I'm there. Can I buy my tickets now? Hmmm. I wonder how Brad feels about Victor Garber. . . .

Where the Heck are the Thundercats?

TRANSFORMERS 2 looks like it's going to kick the living piss out of me. The new trailer looks amazing. Optimus is back, Bumblebee is back, and more importantly STARSCREAM!! My favorite Transformer ever, and it promises to be the ultimate Starscream fan's orgasm in a bottle. I am that fan. We all know Starscream was not the Decepticon to fuck with in the first flick. Megatron may have been the most ferocious, but did you hear the panic in Ratchet's voice when he realized who the F-21 Raptor was? Did you see the absolute fear in his eyes?

"IT'S STARSCREAM!!!!!" Megatron didn't even elicit that kind of absolute robot equivalent bowel emptying. And it looks like this always-ran of the series is finally getting his due. And I couldn't be more excited. My only wish is that at one point he gets that makeshift crown he put together when he thought Megatron was dead in the cartoon movie. How sweet would that be? So sweet. Besides Starscream, I had my ass kicked by the rest of the trailer. We've got the Destructicons, Optimus is returning with the wise grandfatherly voice only Peter Cullen could provide, and most importantly Megan Fox bending over the side of a motorcycle. What god did I please? I didn't even mind that Shia LaBeouf's mug popped up. Sadly he's entrenched in the Transformer's legacy now and I must learn to deal with it. Even if he does look like Tom Hanks with Down's Syndrome. But then I got absolutely angry. An angry I haven't felt for quite some time. An angry that only be described as near murderous in it's unleashed rage. For you see John Turturro has no place in this movie. He was the worst portion of the first flick, is the worst portion of the trailer, and will be the worst portion of the sequel. I can't stand him in this movie, in fact I don't think I've ever liked him in any movie. Can't we just have the giant robots smacking the crap out of each other for two hours? The promise of how much action is coming when this movie releases is enough to make sure that I have my lard ass planted in a theatre seat come launch day.

G.I. JOE on the other hand looks like a train wreck of biblical proportions. It appears to be one of the seals Sam and Dean are continually fighting to keep closed. Come August 7, 2009 Satan will be that much closer to walking the earth. Why Paramount would offer this movie to Stephen Sommers is beyond me. His last directing credit was for The Mummy: The Ride.

The Mummy: The Ride.

The Mummy: The Ride.

The last thing Stephen Sommers directed was The Mummy: The Ride. If during the press junkets for this movie he ever stops to utter "This movie is a rollercoaster" it would be amazing if the interviewer took out a gun and killed himself. Better to have your suicide broadcast on national television and youtube, than have to listen to Mr. Sommers for one second longer than neccessary. The new trailer online is the French trailer, and one high ranking army general turns to another with a report on how the Eiffel Tower was destroyed by a bio-chemical weapon and says "The French are pretty upset". We the audience sit there and think "Oh, I guess the French are upset because their beloved tower is gone and probably hundreds of people are dead". But we're wrong. The French are upset because they have their own cut trailer of what the apocolypse is going to look like. They don't want to be schlocked in with this garbage. Last I checked they kind of thought America was ignorant and self-righteous. How does releasing a trailer for a movie that radiates the message that America is awsome, in France not upset anyone? Despite that it just looks terrible. Cybernetic power suits? What the fuck is that? When did the GI Joe team begin donning suits that make them look like the FOX NFL Robots? And let's not forget the casting. Channing Tatum as Duke? The man that so impressed audiences with his dancing skills in the STEP UP series that we decided to make him the most inspirational leader next to Optimus Prime? Marlon Wayans as Ripcord? Why is Marlon Wayans' name anywhere near this movie! The closest his name should be is on the poster hanging next to the G.I. JOE poster, promoting his new comedy about how tiny black men pretending to be tiny white babies in a spoof of a horror movies. Arnold Vosloo? I haven't heard that name since 2001. But that was way back when THE MUMMY RETURNS was . . . . . . . Awwww! Fuck you Stephen Sommers.